Here you go.
It's another classic episode of Why I Self-Medicate...starring ME as the BUTTON and my MOTHER (AKA. The 79 year old/Portuguese Mouth-Filter-Less, Sophia Petrillo) as the BUTTON PUSHER. Seriously.
On Saturday, after taking my Mother out for lunch, shopping, errands, and church (I AM THE BEST FRIGGIN DAUGHTER EVER), I was FINALLY on my way to bring her home---when she spotted a sign in the window of a Dunkin Donuts. It read: Buy 6 donuts, Get 6 free.
Immediately, she asked (Remember...She speaks with a Portuguese accent):
Sophia: Can I buy a DUZZA donuts?
Me: What are you going to do with a DOZEN donuts?
Sophia: I gonna eat one or two. I gonna give some to my friend, Inez. And, I gonna give some to your brudda (That's BROTHER, people).
Me: If Dr. S saw you buy a DOZEN donuts, he'd be really mad! You know you're not supposed to eat too many sweets (She weighs 128lbs soaking wet, but she is at risk for Type 2 Diabetes).
Sophia: I don't cay-ah about him. He needa mind his own business and pay attention to da girls dat work foe-a him. DEY ARE SO FAT. I am not fat!
Me: (parking the car at the donut shop) Fine. Whatever, Ma.
At that point, she handed me some cash and made me go into the donut shop to buy her a box of assorted fried doughcrap.
As I got back into the car, she asked:
Sophia: You wanna take some donuts home foe-a Paul?
Me: No, Ma. He won't eat them. Paul's not really crazy about donuts.
Sophia: How aboud you? You wanna take some donuts home
Me: (getting pissed now) No, Ma. I don't want any donuts. You wanted the donuts. You take them home and do whatever you want with them.
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.
SHE SMUGLY CROSSED HER ARMS, ALL PRIM AND PROPER AND SHIT, AND SAID:
Sophia: Hmmm. Hmmm. You ALWAYS say no to the donuts. Yet, your COO (Portuguese slang for ASS) is always the same size. Hmmm. Hmmm.
Yes. You heard me correctly.
And, the worst part?
She kept saying, "Hmmm. Hmmm." Like she was pondering the GREAT mystery that is my fuggin ass size.
I don't know, people.
What don't I know, you ask?
I don't know if duct taping an old lady's mouth is considered elder abuse if she was asking for it.