Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Accidentally On Purpose?

Yesterday, I ran into my old neighbor. His name is Billy and he's in his 80's.

A long time ago (like ten years ago), I did something horrible to him. And every time I see him or think of him, I still feel terribly guilty.

Let me explain...

Billy used to live across the street from where I worked. He had a reputation in the neighborhood of being an ornery, little bullshitter. But WE always got along fine.

What I liked about Billy was that he was a foodie, just like me. And every time I had yummy leftovers, like from a party, I would call him and say, "Hey Billy, I've got some extra lasagna/cake/chicken wings--leftover from blah, blah, blah. Would you like some?"

And FASTER than you can shake your boo-tay, he'd be at my door with an empty food container in hand, TOTALLY ready to collect his yummies.

One day, OUT OF THE BLUE, I got a visit at work from a douchebag that I used to be friends with. I had lost a substantial amount of weight (about 25 pounds) since seeing her last and she was clearly being an asshole about it. She took one look at me and said, "OH MY GOD! You lost so much weight! I HOPE YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE ANYMORE. YOU'LL LOOK SICK!"

Translation: The more weight you lose, the worse I'LL LOOK.

I was pissed off.

But, I made light of the situation and said, "I am sick. I'm sick and tired of the smoke signals that rise into the air when my thighs rub together." And I smiled at her.

The next day, THE BIG WHORE visited me at work AGAIN. WTF?

But this time? She brought me a present.

Dudes! Brace yourselves. You are not even going to believe this shit.

She walked into my place of business and handed me a FIVE POUND box of chocolates saying, "Ooooh! I went to this wonderful little chocolate shop yesterday and I thought of you because I know how much you LOVE chocolate!"

Yeah! She really did...the asshole!

Ooooh! Inside, I was friggin SEETHING. I was like--this bitch is trying to sabotage me!

For a split second, I thought about pinning her to the ground and force feeding her EVERY ONE OF THOSE DAMN CHOCOLATES.

But, I didn't.

Because I didn't want her to blow chunks on my freakin floor. I have a weak stomach and I DO NOT possess the ability to clean up other peoples puke without retching all over myself.

So, instead? I smiled at her and said, "Oh! That was so nice of you for thinking of me (you douchebag)! The great thing about Weight Watchers is that you can eat everything in moderation!"

She gave me an evil smile, shrugged her shoulders--as if to say---I know, I know! I am the best friend, EVER!---and screwed.

Fuggin sabotaging trollop.

And when she was gone? I had a panic attack.

I was like, WTF am I going to do with FIVE FRIGGIN POUNDS of chocolates?

Dudes! I swear! The BOX was the like the size of a piece of carry on luggage!

I debated calling Billy. I KNEW that he would run right over and GLADLY take them off of my hands.

But, I ALSO knew that six months prior, he'd had a FRIGGIN QUADRUPLE BYPASS--where his veins were all rerouted and shit!

I was freaking out, y'all. Because in case you don't know this by now, MY NAME IS SALLY... AND I AM A CHOCOHOLIC!

So, I did a very, very, bad thing.

I wanted the chocolate GONE.

And I wanted it GONE the quickest way possible.

So, I did it.

I called Billy.

And he WAS THRILLED. He ran right over and within five minutes, the FIVE FRIGGIN POUNDS OF CHOCOLATE were gonzo.

Whew! I dodged that whore's bullet.

But, ten years later, I am still feel guilty about pawning that much chocolate off on poor, ole, clogged artery Billy.

So, yesterday, after not seeing him for a really long time, I ran into him again. Hubby and I were driving in my Mom's neighborhood and we spotted him. He waived and gave us a big, toothless grin.

YEAH. I KNOW. I said TOOTHLESS. But, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT! He had no teeth BEFORE I gave him the chocolate! I swear!

Anywho, as he drove by us, I turned to Hubby and said, "Yay! Billy's still alive and kicking! I didn't kill him! I still feel so
gah-damn guilty about feeding him that CASE of chocolate that THAT DOUCHEBAG gave me
."

And that's when Hubby fed me one of the best lines EVER...

He looked at me and said, "Sal, you really need to get over it. It's OLD news. Look at it this way....YOU GAVE HIM THE GUN. BUT, YOU DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER!"

Touché, Hubsy.

Touché

2 comments:

L A U R A said...

Your husband is right...Even if something did happen to Billy, it wouldn't have been your fault. Everyone needs to take in their own accountability and responsibility. He knows his health condition and what he should and shouldn't be eating. That's great he's still kickin' though. Good for him! :)

Natasha said...

I know this story is mostly about Billy, but I can't get past that BIOTCH who gave you chocolates and called you sick looking! What a nasty, jealous little backstabber!