Tuesday night, after realizing that my Nike Shox were really worn out on the sides (Apparently, I walk like a duck or some sh*t), I decided to head over to the mall to buy some new running shoes:
Since, en route to the mall, I was going to be driving right through the city where my Mother (A.K.A. Sophia Petrillo) lives, I thought I would ask her if she wanted to come shopping with me...you know...just to get the old lady out of the house for a little bit---as she is almost EIGHTY and doesn't drive (I AM THE BEST DAUGHTER EVER!).
When I picked her up, she asked:
Sophia: (INSERT PORTUGUESE ACCENT) What a-you wanna buy?
Me: I need some new sneakers.
Sophia: Oh. *PAUSE* I gonna buy some-ting, too.
Me: Oh, yeah? What?
Sophia: I gonna go foe-a Macy's. I needa buy some good cream foe-a my face. You know...cream foe-a da wrink-luz (That's WRINKLES, people).
Sophia: Yeah. I gonna buy a good one...one dat's a lot a money...be-cuz the wrink-luz are starting to come.
Me: They're STARTING to come?
Sophia: Yep. And I wanna look good...like Joan Rivers!
***Sweet Jesus! Joan Rivers is her role model!***
Me: *INCREDULOUSLY* They're STARTING to come?
Me: Oh. Okay.
Can you believe that sh*t?
My MOTHER is on her way to turning EIGHTY and is apparently JUST NOW noticing that she has wrinkles.
Hmmm...If it'll make me look like a size 4, I want the mirror she's using!
You've heard of selective hearing, people?
Well now, I've introduced you to SELECTIVE EYESIGHT.