Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cataracts The Size Of Peas?

Tuesday night, after realizing that my Nike Shox were really worn out on the sides (Apparently, I walk like a duck or some sh*t), I decided to head over to the mall to buy some new running shoes:



Since, en route to the mall, I was going to be driving right through the city where my Mother (A.K.A. Sophia Petrillo) lives, I thought I would ask her if she wanted to come shopping with me...you know...just to get the old lady out of the house for a little bit---as she is almost EIGHTY and doesn't drive (I AM THE BEST DAUGHTER EVER!).

When I picked her up, she asked:

Sophia: (INSERT PORTUGUESE ACCENT) What a-you wanna buy?

Me: I need some new sneakers.

Sophia: Oh. *PAUSE* I gonna buy some-ting, too.

Me: Oh, yeah? What?

Sophia: I gonna go foe-a Macy's. I needa buy some good cream foe-a my face. You know...cream foe-a da wrink-luz (That's WRINKLES, people).

Me: Yeah?

Sophia: Yeah. I gonna buy a good one...one dat's a lot a money...be-cuz the wrink-luz are starting to come.

Me: They're STARTING to come?

Sophia: Yep. And I wanna look good...like Joan Rivers!


***Sweet Jesus! Joan Rivers is her role model!***


Me: *INCREDULOUSLY* They're STARTING to come?

Sophia: YEAH!

Me: Oh. Okay.

Can you believe that sh*t?

My MOTHER is on her way to turning EIGHTY and is apparently JUST NOW noticing that she has wrinkles.

Hmmm...If it'll make me look like a size 4, I want the mirror she's using!

You've heard of selective hearing, people?

Well now, I've introduced you to SELECTIVE EYESIGHT.

4 comments:

Post-it Notes said...

Thats hilarious! Sounds just like Sophia to me :) Hope you got some new running shoes and some REALLY good face cream for your mama.

Ten Pounds said...

Ha! I guess she's pretty far-sighted. How pleasing for her self-esteem!

MB said...

Yes, you are the best daughter!

Damn, maybe I shouldn't have had that LASIK surgery.

Sophia is living in a beautiful world. Does she have any idea how many facelifts Joan Rivers has had? The best cream in the world isn't going to work that kind of magic.

I wish I could have waited another 40 years to see all the wrinkles popping up on my face.

'Drea said...

Your mom, lol, is just trying to help you out...