Thursday, October 7, 2010

You Ain't Never Caught A Rabbit And You Ain't No Friend Of Mine


I love Halloween.

What I mean by this statement is, I love spooky crap---including scary movies, t.v. shows, decorations, locations (HELLO!! SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS! I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!!), and books/stories.

This morning, when I got out of bed, I spotted a magazine on my nightstand that had a vampire on it. It's a locally printed--free magazine, that I always pick up when I can find it. Apparently, Hubs brought it home with him last night and put it by my bedside, while I was snoring away.

I was psyched to see it! So, I rolled out of bed, grabbed the mag, and headed to the terlet (that's "toilet" in white trash speak) to pee and give myself time to fully awaken.

Now, let me just say that even though Hubs leaves for work before I do on most days, and even though I know that I am all alone in the house, I ALWAYS shut the bathroom door when I go potty.

So, there I was, sitting on the bowl---peeing, reading a story in said magazine about a cemetery in Rhode Island that is haunted. Apparently, there's a specific grave that belongs to a 19 year old girl who died of Tuberculosis way back in the 1800's. Some say she was a vampire and to prove it (or disprove it), her father let the local coroner dig her up and remove her organs which, even after she was dead for a long time, still had blood in them! WHAT THE HELL? Riveting stuff, right?

So there I am...sitting on the dead quiet...reading about how this young girl is apparently still haunting a local cemetery, right? AND.I.AM.ENTHRALLED.

All of a sudden? The large bath towel that was hanging on the hook on my bathroom door WOOSHES to the floor...just fell out of NOWHERE, about ten minutes after I'd already been sitting on the porcelain throne!

Dudes?! IT SCARED THE EVER-LOVIN GAH-DAMN SH*T OUT OF ME! (Figuratively, not literally. Because I only had to pee and not poo and you should NEVER try to force yourself to poo because if you do, you are destined to have hemorrhoids the size of walnuts!) I threw the magazine in the air, clenched my chest, let out a yelp, dodged to the right, pressed myself against the bathroom wall, AND NEARLY HAD A FRIGGIN PANIC ATTACK.

And after I gave myself a moment to recoup and get my heart rate back to normal, I stopped to thank Jesus for not actually giving me a heart attack right there and then.

Because, dudes?

Who the eff wants to go down in history as the chick that died on the toilet...just like Elvis?


Allan said...

Scared the crap out of you. Thanks, I 'll be here all week, Try the veal, it's the best in the city

Anonymous said...

Did Elvis really die on the throne? Once, my cat decided that banging its head on the side of the bed was a really cool idea while I was busy reading a scary book (Heart-Shaped Box). I screamed so loud that my neighbour came to see what's up. I love to be scared, but I can't handle it...

Amanda said...

I have to say that as soon as I saw the warning that this was TMI in my reader, I clicked on it right away.

But I'm sick like that.


Anonymous said...

LOL! You're so funny. That would have scared the crap outta me too! (Literally j/k)

Debby said...

OMG I now have snot and tears and shit. OK, not shit...cuz of what you said about it. But I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe. I would have SO done EXACTLY what you did!!! I'm always a bit jumpy. I'd have screamed too. Yep I would have!!!!

I stole your dog pic for a blog. he was so cute!

Ms. PJ Geek said...

kindred spirit...har de har har...toilet reading / ghost stuff / I mean...So glad to see someone else says "potty"..

Unseelie said...

Hilarious! <3
i love October, cheesy spooky stuff is available like candy in bowls everywhere; Hammer films on late at night and ghost stories, it's okay to stay up late and scare myself witless.