Thursday, October 14, 2010

I Am A Ray Of Sunshine. Disagree, And I'll Stab You.


You know all that stuff you hear about attracting positive energy into your life by channeling positive thoughts? Yeah...Well, yesterday? I wasn't feeling it, dudes.

As a matter of fact, I was so vulgar, vicious, and stressed out, that I was hearing things. The following telephone conversation that I had with my pal, Lou, illustrates my attitude perfectly...

Me: Hello?

Lou: Hi honey! How are you today?

Me: Pissed. Stressed. Ready to stab. How are you?

Lou: I'm GREAT!

Me: Bleh...whatever...

Lou: Listen, I'm going to be swinging by your work shortly to drop off some stuff. Can I bring you a &$#@&*% iced coffee?

Me: Can you bring me a WHAT?

Lou: Would you like me to bring you a &$#@&*% iced coffee?

Me: DUDE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I TELL YOU THAT I'M HAVING A SHITTY DAY AND YOU ASK ME IF I WANT YOU TO BRING ME A F*CKING ICED COFFEE? DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH OR SOMETHING?

Lou: HEY! STOP YELLING AT ME AND CLEAN OUT YOUR FREAKIN EARS! I SAID...DO YOU WANT ME TO BRING YOU A PUMPKIN ICED COFFEE?

Me: Uh...Oh...Um. Sorry, Louie.

Lou: That's right you're sorry! AND YOU'RE A GIANT PAIN IN MY ASS!

Me: Hmm...If I only had a dollar for every time I've heard that.
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And, on a completely unrelated note, Lou and his wifey are currently on their way to California for a much deserved vacay. To any of my readers on the west coast? I apologize for his behavior in advance. Let us collectively pray that he keeps his clothes on. Seriously...


Have a great weekend, everybody! Oh, and if any of y'all are looking for some fun this weekend (and you live in the area), I've got access to Lou's house (um...maybe not legally) and his brandy new Cadillac, which, by the way, has front AND backseat ass warmers, people! We can cruise around town with toasty buns!! Or, we can just party in his hot tub and drink his fabulous wines! Your call! HOLLA!!!

5 comments:

Jo said...

please tell me Lou will be in the Southern half of our beautiful state.

Sally said...

Jo,

YOU GOT IT! Palm Springs, Baby!!!

Let me know if you'd like me to arrange a rendezvous for you :)

XO,
Sally

Jo said...

phew - I'm north.

Amanda said...

Yeah, I'm a little ray of bleeping sunshine myself at the moment, so I hear ya.

And pumpkin totally sounds like @(#*$&. Especially at some moments.

Enjoy the Caddy!! I hope their MPG has improved since the last time I drove one. Five bucks would get me to the grocery store. Not back.

Heather said...

I'm in! We'll dress in all black just in case he has security cameras... :)