Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Penance Pants

***The following interaction is real and absolutely true. I should probably be embarrassed by it. But clearly, I am not. I MIGHT have an issue conforming to boundaries. Eh, whatever...

This morning, I put on a pair of pants that I haven't worn since last Winter.

They were too tight.

They weren't tight all over (not in the legs), just constrictingly (Hmmm...I think I just made this word up...) tight in the ass cheek area.

So you know what I did?

I tortured myself by wearing them anyway.

I considered this a punishment of know...kind of like my penance for failing at Operation Ass Shrinkage 2010.

When I left my house, I decided to stop at the bank on my way to work. When I got to the bank, there were too many cars in the drive through, so, not wanting to be late for work, I decide to waddle my way into the bank wearing my Penance Pants.

When the lucky bank teller who was going to have to deal with ME called me over, I waddled over to her section of the counter, hoping that my ass wouldn't suddenly explode on the way. She smiled at me courteously and asked, "How are you today?"

Dudes. If I had EVER possessed a mouth filter, you'd never know it. I looked at her and said, "Not good. My pants are too tight."


Clearly, Ms. Bank Teller did not realize that her silence would not deter me. I am the youngest child in a family of eight. I am quite used to talking to myself.

So, I continued, "Yeah. I haven't worn these pants since last Winter. They are soooo tight on my butt. WHEW (deep breath). Almost hurts to breathe!"


Again, I continued, "And you know what the worst thing is?"


"The worst thing is, these pants USED to be the perfect length. But NOW, they look like high waters. I'm walking around looking like I'm expecting a freaking flood."


"Must be my extra assage (Made this word up, too. I am brilliant and am sure to be credited by the Oxford English Dictionary people VERY SOON)...causing my pants to lift." I hypothesized.

When Ms. Bank Teller concluded my transaction, she nervously asked, "Is there anything else that I can help you with?" Translation: Is there ANOTHER banking transaction that I can help you with, you crazy freak who shares too much information with strangers?

"No, thank you. That'll be all. But, do me a favor. Don't look at my butt on my way out. I'm feeling self conscious enough about it already." I said.

"OH. Um. I won't." Ms. Bank teller responded.

But, I know she did. Because I totally would have.

I wonder if after I left her post, Ms. Bank Teller thanked her lucky stars that this morning? I wasn't suffering from a yeast infection or hemorrhoids, y'all.


Rob Dyess said...

That is a great story.

I usually just go ahead and bite the bullet and wear the old fat pants that I still have in the closet. Of course I am mentally beating myself up but comfy.

Thanks for the laugh!!

RescuingLisa said...

So FRICKIN Hilarious!

After that - I would have looked too!

Jo said...

OMG! I can barely write through the tears that are rolling down my face - no, sorry to say not for sadness for you, but for how freakin hilarious this post is!! I am at work, trying not to laugh hysterically out loud. I'm dying here!!

Ms. Marsha said...

LOL. Woman, you always make me laugh but this is hysterical. Being a southerner who temporarily lived "up north" I am all too familiar with the "you're saying things about which I do not care go away now" stare.

Rapunzel said...

LMAO, I can sooooo see you doing this, Sally! I wish I was your bank teller, we'd have had a long conversation about tight jeans, big asses and what-not.