Monday, November 8, 2010

Maturity Is Overrated

Before any of you read this AND send me an email or leave me a comment saying, "You're a grown woman! You should've known better!" Let me just say one thing.

No sh*t, Sherlock. I plead temporary insanity.

Saturday morning, I went to the bank to do my weekly banking crap. When I got there, the place was pretty empty, so I took my place in line and waited to be called over by the next available teller.

While I was standing there, I noticed this old lady (80-ish) at the counter, discussing her transactions WHILE trying to discipline her little bastard of a grandson, who was repeatedly stabbing her in the leg with his foot long kazoo/flute thingy.


I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge all of you lovey folk who will respond to this post by telling me that ALL children are a gift from God and blah, blah, freakin blah. Whatever. Let me just remind you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that you were not THERE and clearly did not witness that the child in question, is probably in fact, a direct descendant of Satan.


Okay. So, there I was watching this kid STAB his Grandma AND run amok in the bank. He was running circles around the waiting area, jumping on the chairs and the coffee table. He was stabbing his grandma in the leg like she was a piece of poultry. He was yelling and growling at people who looked at him. And when his grandma told him to quiet STOP blowing on that effin kazoo? He told her to "SHUT UP!"

Dudes. You had to see the spectacle. The bank tellers were all like, WTF? They didn't know what the hell to do. So, they did nothing. They just kept looking at each other and then back at Satan Jr. again and again as if he was a friggin mirage or something.

Finally, I got to the front of the line and I was thinking, "Good God! If I EVER behaved like that as a child, my Mother would have reddened my ass cheeks! I wonder where the hell his parents are?"

Just as I was pondering this question, MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS, Mini Satan comes up to me---FOR REALS, PEOPLE---puts his hands on his hips, looks me in the eye and says, "I DON'T LIKE YOU!"

Huh! The nerve of that little kazoo tooting punkass!

So, I put my hands on my hips, raised my eyebrows, and responded, "REALLY?! OH, REALLY?!" Cuz that's all I could muster, people! That little bastard totally took me off guard!

Then, he looked at me, shook his head as if to say, "OH.YES.I.DID! What are you going to do about it, BE-OTCH?" And he growled at me and ran away.

Ooooh. I wanted to pinch him!

Just then, it was my turn at the teller's counter. I walked up and told the nice bank teller---who was nervously watching DEVIL BOY---what I wanted.

All of a sudden, Devil's Spawn starts yelling at his Grandma, "I WANT CANDY! TELL THE LADY I WANT CANDY! I WANT A LOLLIPOP!" So, the Grandma looked at the teller, and smiled.

But before she could ask, the teller---who I know was thinking, "Bullshit, Grandma. That Devil Kid is not so much as getting a fuggin paper clip from me," smiled and said, "Oh, I'm sooooo sorry. But, we're out of candy."

Hehehe. Take that, Satan Jr..

But you know what?

The little bastard wouldn't take NO for answer.

So, guess what he did.

Go ahead. Guess! Guess!

I'll tell you what he did....

He came OVER TO ME (Grandma was oblivious)!

AND? He stabbed me in the leg with his effin weapon of mass destruction, that DAMN FUGGIN KAZOO! Then? When I looked down at him, he had the little balls to ask me, "DO YOU HAVE ANY CANDY?! I WANT CANDY!"

So, I bent know...cuz it's always better to relate to a child at HIS OR HER OWN LEVEL. And with the most authentic smile I could muster, I responded, "Why YES! YES I DO! *PAUSE* But, you're not getting any...cuz I DON'T LIKE YOU!!"

And I'm not proud of this people, but then?

I growled at him...the same way he previously growled at me.

I know.

Shame on me.

I'm a grown woman.

I should have known better.

All I can say is...

The Devil made me do it.

And it felt pretty good. Hehehehehe....


Anonymous said...

Good for far as I'm concerned he's lucky you didn't kick him in the face!! hahaha

love steph

p.s. we need to go out to dinner soon...when bri comes up for air! :)

Jen said...

You go girl...have no shame!!!!! That little twit deserved it...someone in the bank needed to give him a taste of his own medicine!!!!!

J-Bird said...

Maturity be damned! That little effer needs a good spanking. Poking, yelling, running, AND back talking. If that were me (or one of my 7 brothers and sisters) we'd have a swollen lip.

And I must say that your response was very mature. Because I would have pushed him the minute he poked me. Pushed him. Down. To the ground. And laughed.

Jo said...

That is awesome - not the kid, you!

I'm glad you got a 2nd chance at that kid.

Did you get a round of applause from everyone in the bank? Cause you should have!

Michelle said...

First time I've read your blog but I already know I heart you. :)

Natasha said...

Oh please please please tell how the gramma and the other tellers reacted, cuz that was just such a satisfying thing to read. Little bastard. I bet even the gramma was secretly cheering you on.

Anonymous said...

I have two grown children and a grandchild of my own. I would have behaved pretty much exactly like you because I don't take shit from kids. Well done.


Deborah said...

Did everyone cheer for you? I would have!

Sonya said...

Sally!!! i love It!! That child should have been on a leash. and I am against those.. but in those cases... good god! I applaude you!
Your Friend,
P.S.. my 12 year old loves your blog! LOL

Kathy said...

should have added "and if you belonged to me I'd paddle your behind"

Debby said...

Holy fuck I'm laughing my ass off! I just read that out loud to the hubs and he's damn near pissing himself. He said 'OMG you would do that!!!! OMG you HAVE done that'...then he laughed some more.

You go girl!