Last week, I went shopping to buy a birthday present for my friend, Linda. I hadn't been to this particular mall in awhile. So, when I got there, I was quite surprised to see this:
Now mind you, I've been to this mall a bazillion times AND it's really quite upscale. So, I was a very disappointed to realize that this sign went up to warn people, like me---who actually work for a friggin living, that they'd better hide their sh*t, or risk being ripped off by some douchebag losers who have nothing better to do than to dream up ways to screw people.
Anyway, I was a woman---AT THE MALL---on a mission.
So, I did what the sign told me to do. I locked my doors. I took my keys (duh). And I hid my radar detector, NOT THAT I'M A SPEED DEMON OR ANYTHING, MR POLICE OFFICER.
Then, I went into the mall to look at the mall map, so I could find the location of the store that I was looking for.
Incidentally, make no mistake about it. This blog post is TOTALLY about douchebags who steal from innocent people and the innocent people (ME) who want to bash their heads in.
HOWEVER, I have to take a brief moment to share with you the name of a store that I saw listed on the mall map. Because, dudes?! I'm thinking that THIS STORE is destined for failure:
Love Sac. Coming soon. N-A-S-T-Y.
Anywho, after grossing myself out with the ballsack mall map incident, I FINALLY made my way to the store I was looking for (Pandora) and bought Linda Shminda's birthday present. When I got back to my car, I put the present in my trunk, got in the driver's seat, and proceeded to back out of my parking space, when I noticed that I'D BEEN ROBBED.
Yeah. Some scum sucking bastards stole the passenger door mirror right off my car.
The WHOLE FRIGGIN mirror. Like totally off my car.
What the hell's next? My bumper? My headlights? My flippin sunroof?
Geez Frickin Louise!
I.WAS.SO.PISSED. But all I could do was (A) report the incident to mall security, and (B) call my friend, Pat---who works at THAT mall, to tell her that she works in the gah-damn hood and should fear for her friggin life everyday of the fricken work week.
Okay. Maybe I'm a drama queen. But, whatever.
Then? I stopped and took some deep breaths to calm myself down.
And I prayed, y'all. Something like this...
IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE, PLEASE STAB THE DOUCHEBAGS---WHO STOLE MY CAR MIRROR, SQUARE IN THE NADS...WITH LIGHTENING BOLTS...HARD ENOUGH TO DRAW BLOOD. Thank you. Amen.
Then, because my Mama didn't raise a fool, I prayed for forgiveness.
I think I'm all good, dudes.