Friday, November 12, 2010

Who Do I Look Like? Heidi Friggin Fleiss?

Hello, my friends! I've missed you!

As you may have noticed, my blogging has been unusually sporadic lately. That's because Hubby and I have been working like jackholes last week and this week, moving our business to our new building. I am exhausted. But, I'm also super excited about our new state-of-the-art facility!

And guess what?! At work, I NOW have my own wicked nice (a Rhode Island term) bathroom that boys are not allowed to pee in! I feel like Weezy Jefferson cuz I AM MOVIN ON UP!

Check it out! My terlet even comes with a top secret code:






The men around here are not sure why I'm so thrilled about having my own toilet. They OBVIOUSLY don't understand how LAME it is to have to HOVER your ass over a drippy toilet bowl FOR FOUR FRIGGIN YEARS because MEN can't aim their WINKLES into a bowl hole the size of a freakin canyon!

Seriously, dudes! WTF?

It's kind of like throwing a gumball through a friggin hoola hoop!

Gentlemen? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY, CAN WE PUT A MAN ON THE MOON, BUT Y'ALL CAN'T AIM YOUR DINGYS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION? Good grief.

*Okey, dokey. Tangent over.*

So, you all know how I work with the Hubby, right? And I've told you before that working together is like filling our days WITH RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS, right?

Yeah, okay. Whatever...

Well, I'd like to say that in this past week? I've NEVER wanted to taser him more. But, I didn't...because I've learned something, y'all. If you kill your spouse? You can't collect his life insurance. DAMN FUGGIN SMALL PRINT.

But at least I have a crap load of stories for you.

So here we go, dudes...STORY #1...

Otherwise known as WHY I ALMOST TASERED MY HUSBAND, PART UNO...

Okay so, my office is the first thing that customers and vendors see when they visit us at work. So, I knew that I had to make our reception area look professional and inviting. This involved picking out some nice artwork that I felt was appropriate for the space.

One night, I went shopping for said artwork. AND? I brought the Hubs with me. While walking around a very nice department store, I heard Hubs say:

Hubs: This painting is cool! We should get it!

Me: (walking around the aisle to see what he was talking about) Huh?

Hubs: Check it out! Isn't it cool?

Y'all? he was talking about this:



Me: Dude! It's a chick in her bra and girdle...MULTIPLIED BY TWELVE! That's soooo not appropriate for the office!

Hubs: You don't think so?

Me: Uh. NO!

Hubs: Why not? It's cool!

Me: I'll tell you why not! Because the look I'M NOT aiming for is WHOREHOUSE CHIC.

Hubs: Well, I like it.

Me: Yeah. And if we were running a brothel, I'd like it, too. Moving on.

Hubs: Not fair.

Me: Totally fair.

Hubs: You're censoring me.

Me: So, call the ACLU and file a complaint.

Hubs: Maybe I will.

Me: Whatever...

******************************************

In conclusion? I won.

Check it out:




You SERIOUSLY didn't think it would end any other way, did you?

2 comments:

Allan said...

Frank, the Beatles and Flowers do not trump 12 chicks in bras ever !!! Looks nice, but he has a point..

Anonymous said...

Where did you get the Heidi friggin fleiss part from? It's been stuck in my head and it's killing me that I can't figure out what it's from