Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The BIG Hooter Edition

I'm baaaaack! And if you know what's good for you, you'll pretend that YOU even KNEW that I was MIA! Thank.You.Very.Much. In my own little convoluted mind, I'd like to think that I was missed. Humor me, peeps.

So, where to begin...

Ooooh. I know! Let me tell you all about the latest chapter in the saga I like to call: HOW LOU PISSED ME RIGHT THE FRICK OFF...THE HOOTER EDITION

Last week, Lou had his company Christmas party (he owns a business right near ours) at a local restaurant and he invited me and Hubs. Originally, we weren't really sure that we even wanted to go, but Lou basically forced us at knife point, so we gave in because we weren't into celebrating the upcoming holidays with punctured lungs.

Okay. So picture this....

There I am at Lou's party having the best time. I ate a GREAT meal. I had ONE glass of wine (and diet soda the rest of the night). And I DANCED AND LAUGHED MY ASS OFF with some super fun people.

At the end of the night, when Hubs and I were getting ready to leave, this guy comes up to me and says, "Sally? I don't mean to be inappropriate..but, can you tell my wife WHERE YOU BUY YOUR BRAS? You have great lift."

Um. Okay.

So, I picked my chin off of the floor, put my eyeballs back in my head and said, "Um. Nordstrom. They have a bra fitter there."

All of a sudden, I look over at Lou, WHO MAY HAVE HAD A TAD BIT TOO MUCH WINE, and he is laughing hysterically! He was all, "THAT'S SO FUNNY! THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOU BUY YOUR UNDERWEAR! BAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Bite me, Lou.

So, I was like WHATEVER because I know what it's like to have big boobs and I know that sometimes it takes a village to lift them up to where they should be. So, I was totally cool with people admiring my hooters.

Now, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS WHY I WANT TO PUNCH LOU IN THE HEAD.

The afformentioned Christmas party was on Friday.

On the following Monday, I was at work minding my own frickin business, when my UPS man came in and dropped off a package for me. It was a purple bra (you'll see it in tomorrow's blog post) and it was in this fancy, schmancy box:



And it came with a note that said:

Hi Sally,
Many thanks for your input on Friday night. I know I should have been at your table from the beginning of the evening...We lucked out! Took your advice and went to Nordstrom and they were fantastic! Thanks for all your help. Enclosed is a little something from me to you. Hope you like it!!!

Your new blog friend, S



Dudes! I was soooo forklempt! And, I'm not even Jewish! I couldn't even believe that this girl, who I barely knew, would go to Nordstom and buy me a bra BECAUSE HELLO? You practically have to take out a home equity loan to buy ANYTHING at Nordstrom, right?!

So, right away, I went on Facebook and posted this message:

Sally Araujo Costa: Friday night, at a holiday party, a guy asked me, "Can you tell my wife where you buy your bras? You have nice lift!" Um, ok. So, I told her to go to Nordstrom because they have a bra fitter there. TODAY? I got an unexpected present...a brandy new purple Nordstrom bra delivered to me at work from a grateful woman with... uplifted hooters. So cool! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME AND MY BOOBAGE!

And then? I called that son-of-a-b*tch, LOU.

And I told him all about the bra...And wasn't that so nice of her? And can you even believe it? And yadda, yadda, yadda....

And he was all like, "Wow. That was nice of her. Was it the right size?" *RED FLAG #1* And I responded, "Well, NO. It's friggin humongous and I can probably wrap it around my body three times and wear the cups as hats, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. The gesture was nice and I'll return it and get my real size and yay freakin me because I get an expensive mutha fuggin bra for FREE! WHOO HOO!"

And the whole frickin time, Lou's quietly listening to me *RED FLAG #2* intently as I rambled on and freakin on about the bra and the nice gesture.

Finally we hung up and a few minutes went by. Suddenly, my cell phone rang and when I answered it, Lou's wife, Linda, was on the other end LAUGHING HER ASS OFF.

WTF?

People? GET THIS.

Linda confessed to me that Lou sent me that bra as a joke AND HE BOUGHT THE EFFIN THING AT WALMART FOR $7.00. AND? IT WAS A SIZE 47HHH! AND? He was going to LET ME take it back to NORDSTROM to try to exchange it. FUGGIN BASTARD.

I WANTED TO CHOKE HIM.

So, instead? I went back on Facebook and posted this message:

Sally Araujo Costa: Dear FB friends, I've been scammed! The bra was sent to me by LOU PESTANA pretending to be that nice girl from the party! AND THAT CHEAP SON-OF-A-BITCH bought it at WALMART! Bastard! I want you all to email him at llpestana@aol.com and tell him what an evil troll he is! BOOBIES UNITE!

And to make matters worse?

That Facebook thread had something like FIFTY responses!

AND people were all like, "LOU IS BRILLIANT! LOU FOR PRESIDENT!"

Seriously, you Facebook asshats?! FREAKIN SERIOUSLY?!

Y'all? I'm warning you! And I think I can count on you. I need some sympathy here. Or else....

(*Photo borrowed from thebloggess.com)

8 comments:

Allan said...

LOU IS DA MAN !!

OTerez said...

LOU is screwed in my book. I think you should exchange that walmart bra for the biggest pair of fat man tighty whities you can find- even throw in a few extra bucks for some sailboat sized nut huggers. And then see how hard he's laughing :( hmph!

Anonymous said...

How dare he insult you by buying you a Walmart bra? He could at least have gone to J.C.Penney. I would re-gift it back to him for the holiday. Let him use it as a hat on his big, bald head.I tried to e-mail him but it would not go through.

Your Loving Family

abbysinthe said...

Bastard. I say you send over a penis enlarger (or something even more embarrassing like hemorrhoid cream or herpes medication) in a clear plastic box to his work. Merry Friggin' Christmas, Lou!

Rob Dyess said...

That is a good story! Maybe Lou should have his birthday parties at Hooters!!

tokenblogger said...

I sent Lou some bra hate mail any hows...

Mitch Herndon said...

Well, he is still using AOL which for some just stands for "A-holes On Line".....

Just saying....

Fragrant Liar said...

Okay, here we go. Lou is a bastard. Right? He took liberties with your sensibilities and your bra size, and he made a mockery of you in public. Right? He is toast. Right? He's never getting any in the future. Right? He must now wear the bra on his head and get his picture taken for this blog. Right?