Thursday, December 23, 2010
Spare Me The Fruitcake. My Septic System Can't Handle It.
THE FOLLOWING IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY THAT FUGGING, NASTY-ASS FRUITCAKE THAT YOUR GRANDMA LOVES (SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE! UNLESS YOU'RE EIGHTY, FRUITCAKE IS NOT A "CHRISTMAS PRESENT." IT'S A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION...).
THIS FACEBOOK STATUS (WHICH WAS POSTED THIS MORNING) IS THE CATALYST THAT STARTED IT ALL:
Teresa P....is really, really not going to be on Facebook for like 24 more hours. Seriously. I mean it. I have SO MUCH TO DO--like make a fruitcake (#$%^*&), send out Christmas cards, and um...I only logged on to get addresses, so shut up.
David D: First of all: Nobody wants your fruitcake, so cross that off your list. Second: The only people who are going to recieve your Christmas cards in time for Christmas are people who live in your town. So go take 3 minutes to say Merry Christmas to them in person (you don't have THAT many friends) and then get back on FB and quit stressing about it.
Sally Araujo Costa: The world must be coming to an end because, for once? I have to agree with Dave. Fruitcake is the equivalent of "colon blow." Gross. Once, my mother-in-law baked us a loaf and we used it as a doorstop at work. For reals.
Teresa P: But...But. I LIKE fruitcake & I already bought all the ingredients last week :( AND I have 4 boxes of really cute cards that I bought in OCT. I am sitting here in bed typing this in my sleep! I have to TRY TO QUIT FB FOR 24hrs!!! & YOU ARE NOT BEING SUPPORTIVE.
Sally Araujo Costa: Dude. We are being supportive in that we speak the truth. Fug the fruitcake. The people you give it to are going to smile at you nicely then regift it to their grannies. Grannies love that crap. So, if YOU love it, bake some for YOU and call it a day. As for the cards, TOMORROW is Christmas Eve. NOBODY is going to get them on time. Just send everybody on your list a nice email. Done. Pressure off. Ho, ho, ho.
David D: God help me...Teresa, Listen to Sally....uhhh...I'm gonna throw up :(
Teresa P: No. I want to argue about this more. I thought there was like a grace period for cards--I mean WHERE is it written that the damn things have to be RECEIVED by the 25th? I'm being dead serious - if you got a card from me next week would you reject it? Of course not! Would you judge me? Well DUH.
Teresa P: BTW, Sally - I need your address ♥
Elizabeth B: ...colon.blow...
Teresa P: And the people I was going to give my fruitcake to are looking forward to it! For REALS.
David D: What would be the point in a Christmas card that says "Merry Christmas" AFTER Christmas??
Teresa P: Nobody gets me :(
Elizabeth B: Just send 'em if you really want to. No one cares when they get them. And T, I need to introduce you to my friend, Jon's, mother. Now SHE does fruitcake. And I've actually had it and it's not bad (she's British and there must be some sort of secret ingredient that prevents colon blow).
Teresa P: I am pretty sure they say Happy Holidays. HOLIDAYS ARE THE DAYS OF HOLI--NOT EXACTLY ONE DAY.
Teresa P: Fruitcake is full of dried fruit and FIBER and it's good for you.
Sally Araujo Costa: Dave and I are agreeing! Baby Jesus! It's a Christmas miracle!
Teresa P: Sounds to me like some of you are a little backed up and that's why y'all are being so ANTI.
Sally Araujo Costa: T--I'll give you my address if you PROMISE not to send me some fruitcake.
Sally Araujo Costa: And Elizabeth? Christmas is a time to help your fellow man. Stop encouraging the fugging fruitcake.
Teresa P: Promise :) I'm only going to post pictures on FB.
Teresa P: Ok, people. I'm not coming on FB until I've completed my tasks! See you all next week ♥ Starting NOW !!! Ready set go. Here I goooooooo...
Sally Araujo Costa: How you gonna get my address if you're exiling yourself? Hmmmm.....
Sally Araujo Costa: I'm gonna miss her. God bless her little fruitcake loving heart.
David D: Poor confused soul...
Jennifer B: Are you all kidding me? She can't stay off FB. She WILL be back. Sally, thank you for you use of the word "fug", I'm going to have to use it...right away!
Sally Araujo Costa: Jennifer, I am such a positive influence. You're welcome :)