Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Mirror Is Your Friend

Most women know how to dress to accentuate those parts of their bodies that they are at least fairly happy with. I am certainly no exception.

In my case, I am pretty happy with my eyes, my hair, my smile (four years of braces later) and my boobs. Hot damn, I've got some good boobage! See?

Hubby, Me, and Our Pals---Linda and Lou---Last Summer In Vegas

On the flip side, I am not so thrilled with my butt because...well...it needs to be smaller!

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't have a shelf ass or anything (you know...an ass SO BIG that you could rest a coffee cup on top of it). But, between my healthy Portuguese hips and my ample BOO-TAY, you could definitely say that I have some junk in my trunk.

But, you know what? I am clear on how I look and I accept it.

And I KNOW that I should not be walking around displaying my arse/hips in things like spandex leggings because...well...I OWN A FRIGGIN MIRROR and I have common sense!

And so, I am super careful about what I wear because I NEVER want to be featured in one of those junkyard dog Wal-Mart shopper emails! You know the ones, right? They feature pictures of wretchedly clad Wal-Mart shoppers wearing things like rainbow striped thongs over their biker shorts! Good Lord, people! Cover that shit up, will ya?!

Anywho, just because I KNOW not to accentuate my negatives, doesn't mean that all women are this well versed. Take this woman, for example:

She has chosen to tattoo and bring attention to her cankle. And? She even rolls up her pants to show it off to the world.

I don't know, people.

I.JUST.DON'T.KNOW.

I mean...I don't have any tattoos. But, I have friends that do. And they have strategically placed them on areas of their bodies that they think are sexy like their shoulders, ankles, and lower backs.

But to tattoo and purposefully accentuate a cankle?

Call me crazy, dudes.

But, I'm thinking that THAT would be the equivalent of me walking around with my ass cheeks wrapped in rapidly blinking Christmas lights.

And we all know THAT wouldn't be pretty.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Lesson In Biology AND A Recipe?! Who's Better Than Me?

Happy Weight Loss Recipe Wednesday, Peeps!

Today's recipe is a real sweet treat! And if you LOVE chocolate and peanut butter, you are going to want to be my BFF. Seriously.

Last night, for the first time ever, I made Chocolate Peanut Butter Haystacks using Fiber One cereal. Here's the recipe and the directions:

Chocolate Peanut Butter Haystacks
1 Cup Fiber One Cereal
1.5 oz milk chocolate, broken up (You can use a 1.5 oz Hershey Bar)
1 Tblsp. creamy reduced fat peanut butter

Directions:
Place chocolate and peanut butter in a microwave safe bowl.


In microwave, melt chocolate and peanut butter together on high until smooth (stirring every 30 seconds).


Stir chocolate and peanut butter mixture together until well blended, then add Fiber One cereal to melted chocolate.


Gently toss till coated.


Drop onto wax paper, making 6 stacks (1 WW Point each). Place in the freezer for fifteen minutes, until chocolate hardens. Store in refrigerator. YUM!


Don't let the fact that these haystack cookies look like little piles of ca-ca fool you (OMG! They really freakin do!). They are delish!

And speaking of ca-ca, I must offer y'all word of caution...

For those of you who've never had Fiber One cereal before, there's a WHOPPING 14 grams of fiber in every cup! Holy freakin crap, people! Literally!

And when you consume lots of fiber, you know what happens, right?

If you don't, here's the deal...

You MUST drink lots of liquids (water is your amigo) when you consume mucho fiber! That's what'll keep you pooping like a normal person.

On the other hand, if you eat crap loads of fiber (pun intended), but do not drink enough liquids, you will poop rocks. Plain and simple.

And Dudes? I'm not talking pebbles here. I'm talking RIVER ROCKS! I'm talking BRICKS! I'm talking BOULDERS that will make you feel like you are pooping out pieces of Mt. Rushmore!

Trust me, people.

It's no freakin fun.

So, drink your water!

And for this fancy schmancy lesson in biology/nutrition?

You're very welcome, dudes!

Monday, April 26, 2010

WANTED: A NEIGHBOR WHO DOESN'T SUCK

Remember my jerkhole neighbor, Bernie Madoff II? Click here if you need a refresher course on the level of his doucheness. I'll wait.

Okay. Well, Bernie Asshead Jerkhole Neighbor is a stock broker/financial advisor of some sort and he works for a VERY well known financial firm. Last week, I received a phone call (for the third time) from some financial dude that works at the same firm as he does. He told me that he could make me some money and he wanted to know if we could get together so he could give me his shpeal and explain how he could help me make the proper investments that would secure my financial future.

I listened to his crap for a minute and then I politely said, "Thank you for the call. But, I'm really not interested." Not willing to hang it up, he proceeded, "We have a great track record and I know you'll be impressed if you just give us a chance!"

This time I replied, "That's NEVER going to happen. I will never utilize your firm. EVER. But, thank you anyway."

"Wow! Can I ask you why you're so adamant about not giving us a chance? Have you had a bad experience with us?" he asked.

And that's when I let loose...

I said, "Listen. It's nothing personal. It's just that my neighbor, who is the biggest asshole I ever met, is a BIG CHEESE at your company. He has no social skills, acts like he hates everybody on the street, and is so effin dumb that he cuts his grass in the rain. There is no freakin way in hell that I am giving any of my hard earned money to a firm who employs a douchebag like him. I would just assume liquidate all of my assets and give all of my money to Al Qaeda."

*DEAFENING SILENCE*

Me: Hello?

Financial Dude: I'm still here. I don't know what else to say.

Me: How about GOOD BYE?

Financial Dude: Um. OK. Sorry to have bothered you. Good bye.


I have to tell you.

On one hand, I kind of felt bad for that guy.

But on the other hand?

I kind of felt like Bernie Asshead Madoff II put him up to soliciting the whole neighborhood (13 houses) just so he could steal our money and make us homeless. He's kind of a douche like that.

Friday, April 23, 2010

I Believe In Miracles! Where You From? You Sexay Thang!

It's no secret that I dream about winning the lottery. And when I see a lottery jackpot climb and climb, I always play a quick pick or two. Wednesday night was no exception.

As Hubby was driving us home from work, I saw a Powerball sign in the window of a convenience store stating that that night's jackpot was $258 million smackers. Holy freakin crap, right?!

So, I yelled and pointed, "Pull over! Pull over! Big money! Big money!" And? I scared the crap out of Hubby. He was not expecting my outburst, when suddenly, he swerved into the store's dirt parking lot a la Dukes of Hazzard and said:

Hubby: Jeez, Sal! You scared the shit out of me!

Me: I'm sorry! But, we need to play Powerball! I really think we're going to win!

Hubby: Oh, really?!

Me: Yep. I asked Father George (our friend who's a priest)
to put in a word for us with Jesus. I figure he's got connections. He said he'd work on it. AND THAT was like TWO weeks ago!

Hubby: I don't think it works like that. But, whatever...

Then Hubby got out of the car, went into the convenience store, and bought us THE DREAM:

Which, by the way, I can now wipe my ass with because it wasn't the winning ticket. Son-of-a-bitch.

Yep. You heard correctly.

I am sad to report that once again, I---even though I was soooo convinced that the moolah was meant for me (thanks for nothing, Father George)---was not the Powerball winner. Boo hoo.

And in case you don't know who the winner of that luscious jackpot was, it was this guy: And I am not even freaking kidding you, people (click here for details)!

Okay, Jesus. I get it.

He needs it more than I do.

I just hope that Choppers McGee can muster up some self control....because you and I know that it won't be long before the skanks start beating down his double-wide door to get to his rich, toothless ass.

Isn't it amazing how millions of dollars can suddenly turn any man into a sexay thang?

Oh, well.

This loser's got to get back to the daily grind.

But first, I have the sudden urge to floss and brush my teeth.

Who's with me?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

That Takes The Cake

Last week, Hubby and I decided to try a new Thai restaurant in Providence. We'd read some great reviews about the place and heard that it was very authentic.

When we got there, the place was PACKED. There were people waiting out the front door and there was standing room only inside the tiny restaurant. I gave the hostess our name, was told that the wait would be about twenty minutes, and decided to go for a nice walk in this ultra trendy neighborhood to pass the time.

When we returned from our walk, I went back into the restaurant to check on our place in line and was told that I could wait outside for the hostess to come and get us. Hubby and I made our way out to the parking lot and stood right in front of the door.

Now, by this time, the line outside was gone except for us and another couple.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, this amazon chick (she was like seven feet tall) came walking up to us. She was pushing a double baby carriage with a sleeping baby in the front (he was about three months old) and a little girl in the back (she was about three). She stopped right in front of the restaurant's door, helped the little girl out of the carriage, pushed the sleeping baby RIGHT OVER NEAR ME and said, "I'm leaving this baby here. Watch him for me." And she walked WAY into the back of the restaurant, where she remained for FIFTEEN FREAKIN MINUTES waiting for her take-out.

I am not even friggin kidding, people!

I.WAS.FLOORED.

Hubby and I looked at each other, then we looked around to see if we were on Candid Camera or something! I mean, SERIOUSLY! This CRAZY B*TCH just dumped her sleeping baby on two TOTAL STRANGERS??! WTF was she thinking?

Dudes, for one brief moment of my life, I was totally speechless (and you know that doesn't happen often). Finally, I looked at my husband and said, "That stupid b*tch! Obviously she doesn't watch Dateline! What the hell is she thinking?! What if we were baby stealers or something?! We could have grabbed the kid, hopped on the highway, and been halfway to another state by now! Oh.My.God! I am so livid right now!"

Hubby, who was as shocked as I was, responded, "Well, maybe she thinks we look too NORMAL to steal her baby?" To which I responded, "NORMAL? NORMAL? Ted Bundy looked NORMAL! Oh my God! I can not even believe her! I'm going to give her a piece of my mind!"

Hubby was nervous. He didn't want me to cause a scene. So, as much as I wanted to blast her, I pretty much held it in.

Just then, MOTHER OF THE YEAR walked back out of the restaurant and took her baby back. She looked at me nonchalantly and said, "Thanks."

That's when I looked at my husband and said LOUDLY so she could hear me, "I wouldn't steal her baby! But If THAT BABY was a chocolate layer cake, she'd be screwed!"

And with that, I walked into the restaurant...while SHE gave me a dirty look (Yeah, JUDGE ME, assface!).

Dudes? Seriously...

Is it me?

Or, are the stupid really multiplying in droves?

Geez.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hooray! Hooray! It's A Fabu Blog Giveaway!

Well, here I am. I'm finally done birthday partying with the Hubby after a lovely weekend. Whew! Thank goodness that's over with! Can you believe that I HAD to indulge in some chocolate birthday cake...TWICE?! I know! THE HORROR! Right?

Anywho, today I am back to the normal grind and as I promised last week, I'm announcing my latest blog giveaway right here...right now! Whoo hoo! Free stuff! God Bless America!

So, here's the deal. You all know that I am a foodie, right? And you all know that said foodie-ness has put me on a never ending quest for a smaller ass which has led me to be a Weight Watchers member for...oh, I don't know...the last hinty bazillion years or so, right?

Well, to help my quest along (and yours), I've decided to turn my regular old Wednesday posts into WEIGHT LOSS RECIPE WEDNESDAYS! That means that every Wednesday, I will post a healthy, YUMMY recipe for y'all to try. Of course, I will only post recipes that I try in advance AND that I think are delish. That means you will be guaranteed a healthy recipe every week that doesn't taste like ass! How lucky are you?

Now to get us all in the mood to cook great foods for ourselves and take control of what we eat, I'm giving away four Rachael Ray cookbooks!

Two of these:

And two of these:

FYI? I just happen to own a set of these cookbooks myself and I LOVE them because they have easy recipes that utilize easy to find ingredients that won't break the bank. Trust me. They are awesome!

So, if you'd like to enter the give-away (Pretty please, with chocolate on top!) , all you have to do is leave me your best healthy recipe in the comment section of this post.

That's it! That's all you have to do!

Share a recipe with the class and you are automatically entered to win ONE of these great cookbooks! Think of what a great resource of recipes that we'll be able to share with each other!

To get this party started, I'm going to share the first recipe with you. It's a recipe for Low Fat Banana Creamy Pie! AND IT IS YUMMY!



Low Fat Banana Creamy Pie:

1 1/2 cups cold skim milk
1 package sugar free INSTANT vanilla pudding
1 8 oz. carton light Cool Whip
18 low fat cinnamon graham cracker SQUARES (about 2 1/2" X 2 1/2")
2 medium bananas, sliced


Directions:
In a bowl, whisk milk and pudding mix for about 3 minutes. Let stand until thickened (a few minutes). Fold in half of the Cool Whip. Place 9 graham cracker squares in an ungreased 8 inch cake pan (square). Top with half of the pudding mix. Top pudding mix with half of the bananas. Repeat layers one more time. Spread remaining Cool Whip over top of dessert. Cover and refrigerate overnight before serving. Makes NINE servings.

And just to prove to you that this recipe is tried and true, I present my recipe guinea pigs, THE HUBBY AND MY BUD---LOU, indulging in a creamy slice of this banana goodness:

Yes. They do have their arms intertwined. And, NO. I have no freakin idea why....



Here, I told them to react to how DELICIOUS the dessert was. Instead, I got the "we're waiting for the short bus" pose....Seriously, guys? WTF is that?



And finally, here's Lou...telling you just how yummy this dessert is:

Can you say, HAM?!

So, that's the deal, my friends! Just leave your favorite healthy recipe in the comment section of this blog post and you'll be entered to win one of these fabulous Rachael Ray cookbooks! Whoo hoo!

But remember this. The four winners will be chosen at random and announced on Monday, May 3rd! That means you have TWO weeks to enter.

So, get cracking and get cooking!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Go Hubby! It's Your Birthday! We're Gonna Party, Like It's Your Birthday!---50 Cent

Happy Friday Peeps!

I am soooo excited because tomorrow is Hubby's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAUL COSTA!!!!! And I've got some great surprises planned!

We've already started celebrating (yummy Thai food last night) and will continue to do so throughout the weekend! Whoo hoo!

You KNOW what else this means, right? It means that Hubby will spend his entire weekend doing this:


And this:



And that's okay by me...as long as there's none of THIS (YOU LISTENING, LOU?):


Anyway, I've got to get back to work!

But before I go, I just wanted to let you know that next week, I'll be hosting another SUPER DUPER AWESOME BLOG GIVE-A-WAY!

OH MY GOD! THE EXCITEMENT!

Calm down. I don't want you to bust a vein or anything.

Anywho, be sure to check back on Monday for the unvailing of the prizes and the rules of entry!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

And muchos smooches! XOXOXOXOXO

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Much Ado About Nothing

Today's post is really about nothing...just some random crap that I wanted to share.

First things first.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I was thinking Oh, man. This is going to be another long ass day at work. I wish I was rich so I could stay home all day and eat bonbons while watching reruns of the Golden Girls. Life is so unfair. Boo hoo. Woe is me. And then, I saw this guy:


He was dressed in a foam and velvet Statue of Liberty costume and he was enthusiastically waving to oncoming traffic, trying to entice people to file their income tax returns at the company he works for. I took this vision as a sign. I think it was karma's way of telling me to shut the frig up, get to work, be grateful for the business I'm in, and stop my friggin whining.

Point taken.

Round two of random crap that I'd like to share, is about my buddy, Lou. He's famous for leaving ridiculous messages on my voicemail at home, at work, on my cell, anywhere he can. Here's the latest:


"Hi Sally. ***BIG MUTHHERFUGGIN YAWN*** This is Lou. It's about quarter to four and I was just wondering how you made out talking to Paul about going to Chardonnay's and relaxing for a little while and maybe have a glass of vino. So, give me a call when you get a chance. Okay? Talk to you soon. Bye, bye."

Hey, Emily Post?! Please contact this man and tell him that it's inappropriate to yawn like a friggin beast while you're leaving someone a voicemail message! Geez. Oh, well. At least this time, he didn't leave me a message pertaining to his hairy boys. Thank God for small miracles.

And finally, guess what I did this morning? I decided to surprise my husband by cleaning out his snack drawer! Whoo hoo! Good times!

Yessiree!

It was SAYONARA--Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs! NICE KNOWING YOU--chocolate espresso cookies! ARRIVEDERCI--Godiva chocolate bunnies! HASTA LA VISTA--coconut chocolate chip cookies!

Don't worry, though. I didn't leave him empty handed. I filled his stash with almonds, popcorn, carrot sticks, and crackers. I know, I know! I am the best wife EVER!

Anywho, the Hubby doesn't know about this, yet. He'll find out tonight at about 10-ish. That's when he usually washes down his wretched snacks with a big, honkin glass of milk---right before bed. Ought to be interesting...

Oh, yeah. And one more thing...I need you to do me a favor. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, call the Feds...and tell them to check inside the septic tank in my backyard.

My husband's usually a pretty laid back guy...until somebody screws with his cookies.

Peace out, dudes!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Baby Got Back

Today, after taking a six week hiatus, I went back to Weight Watchers.

And I did so for these reasons:

* I missed my WW friends, who are funny as shit.

* I missed the WW leader, who just happens to be my Hubby's aunt.

* I love the recipes that Auntie WW Leader shares with the class!

* When I am there, I'm not at work. Call me a slacker....I don't give a crap.

* My arse gets smaller---QUICKER, when I am accountable to someone other than myself.

* I just really like that meeting because it's fun.

Now, I know that I told you all about my reading that Oprah book, Women Food And God by Geneen Roth. And I know that I told you how much I really liked the book because it deals with the behaviors that cause people to overeat. However, you know that part of the book that said you should NEVER diet again? Well, don't get me wrong. That's a liberating idea. But, I really missed WW. And being a cardiac patient, I figure, it can't be a bad thing to analyze my food related behaviors AND follow a heart healthy eating plan, right?

Anyway, on May 12TH, Ms. Oprah is scheduled to do a whole show on how she has finally seen the light and will NEVER diet again thanks to Roth's book.

But, you know what? I'm not friggin Oprah. And I'm going to do what's right for me, and not what's right for her.

For once in my life, I've decided to stop following the leader...especially since THAT LEADER has an ass that's bigger than mine.

Monday, April 12, 2010

At Least I Didn't Punch You In The Nads

Yesterday morning, while I was chillaxing in my jammies and reading the latest issue of Rachael Ray magazine, I got a call from my friend, Lou. He was all discombobulated when I answered the phone and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Where's Paul?"

Me: He's downstairs brushing his teeth. Why?

Lou: Did you hear what happened?

Me: By the sound of your voice, I'm thinking NO. What happened?

Lou: On the street where you guys work, they found the body of a middle-aged man in a car that was set on fire!

Me: Holy crap! You've got to be shitting me! When did that happen?

Lou: The news said that some neighbors called the police at about two in the morning to report the fire!

Me: Oh my God! That is terrible! I can't believe that! It's such a small town! Nothing like that ever happens there! Wow!

Lou: Yeah. So, can I talk to Paul?

Me: No. He's still brushing his teeth and shaving, I think.

Lou: IS HE REALLY?

Me: What? What's that supposed to mean?

Lou: *insert EVIL chuckle* Well, I heard about the middle aged man in the car near your work and I got worried! I thought you might have OFFED him!

Me: LOUIE! I will beat your ass! I did not OFF him! He's brushing his friggin teeth!

Lou: How can I be so sure?

Me: Oh, please. I'll have him call you later.

Fast Forward An Hour Later....

Hubby and I were on our way out for lunch. I decided to call Lou from my cell phone so that he could talk to Hubby and thereby PROVE that I didn't OFF his ass. I dialed Lou's number and when he answered, I said, "I'm in the car with Paul. I will now prove my innocence." And then, I held my phone up to Hubby's lips and said, "Say something to Lou to prove that you're still alive."

And do you know what the little bastard did?

He clenched his lips really tight and would not make a peep!

So, I yelled, "Knock it off! Say something to Lou!"

Again, he smiled and looked at me sheepishly, still clenching his lips!

That's when I decided to play hardball. And?

I pinched his nipple.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" He yelled.

"See? I told you he was still breathing!" I responded with a big, fat SMILE on my face.

Hehehehe.

Whoever said that VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER, clearly doesn't know my husband.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

What's Next? Depends?

Dear CVS Pharmacy,

I'm mad at you.

Upon returning home from work yesterday, I found this stupid brochure and these lame-ass coupons in my mailbox:





WTF is wrong with you people?! And who the frig does your consumer research?!

FYI? I'm only forty AND I have all of my teeth.

You should know this because every freakin time I go to one of your stores, you ask me for my damn CVS card. You know...the one that I got by filling out my personal information on that application thingy, WHICH YOU THEN SCAN AND which tells you exactly WHAT THE FRIG I BUY every time I shop in your store.

And for the record? I have never bought DENTURE anything BECAUSE I HAVE ALL OF MY FUGGIN TEETH.

See?


Now, do you want to be useful?

Do you want me to like you again? Fine.

Then send me coupons for good stuff like lipstick and hairspray. Hell, I'd even be happy with coupons for useful stuff like toilet paper and maxi pads!

But I swear, if anymore "old people" mailings come to my house, I'm going to go all bat shit crazy on your asses.

And don't EVEN try to be funny by swinging the pendulum in the other direction either! Because I swear, if any "douche" coupons come in my husband's name?

Actually, that would be pretty freakin funny...never mind.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dear Oprah, I Miss Phil Donahue.

I'm going to tell you all about my Oprah Radio experience which was, um...kind of lame.

Last Friday, I told you all about how the lady from the radio show called and asked me if I'd like to be a part of the show about Geneen Roth's book, Women Food And God. She said I would be talking about what I wrote in my essay/review and she asked me for the phone number of where I'd be at 1:30 central time on April 5Th.

I was stoked because (A) this was Oprah, people! And (B) I really, really loved the book and could absolutely relate to it. So, of course I agreed to take part. Who wouldn't, right?

So, yesterday, the Oprah lady (not sure if it was the same one as on Friday)called me twenty minutes earlier than expected and said this:

1. We are recording this show as if it were live (but it's not). Please pretend that you called us and that we didn't call you.

Fine. For Oprah, I'll pretend. But, for my bloggy peeps, I'm telling the truth. They called me:


2. Please pretend that you are a random caller who read this book on your own.

Loved, loved, loved the book! But, I didn't buy it. They sent it to me:


3. You will be able to listen to the whole show. But, will only be allowed to ask one question when we tell you it's your turn. When that happens, GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTION. No talking about anything else. Just GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTION (something about inquiry).

Question? What question? You told me I was going to talk about my review of the book. Lame.

So, in a nutshell, the whole thing was very staged. AND? It took freakin FOREVER. They kept me on hold for 1 hour and 39 minutes, people! I got to listen in the whole time, but STILL! That's 1 hour and 39 minutes of my life that I'll never get back!

I have a confession. After about 45 minutes, I was like eff this and I thought about hanging up. But, I didn't because they were nice enough to send me the book for free. Instead, I took the phone with me while I:

A) Did some laundry.
B) Farted around on Facebook
C) Roasted a pork loin and some asparagus for today's dinner:


What I didn't do, that I really NEEDED to do while I was on hold was pee. I was on hold so friggin long that my eyeballs were turning YELLOW. Seriously! But, I was afraid that just as I was letting "the stream" flow, it would be my turn to ask THE question and Oprah would hear my toilet flushing. Lame.

So, in a nutshell...The Oprah Thing? Kind of a disappointment. But, that's okay. Because:

1. I got to listen to the whole show before anyone else does.

2. Geneen Roth is amazing.

3. I loved the book.

4. The book was free and who doesn't LOVE free stuff?

Oh, yeah. One more thing...

Before the show started, I got to listen to Oprah say, "I need my glasses! Where are my glasses?" Then, somebody yelled, "Somebody run across the street and get Ms. Winfrey's glasses!"

I thought it was cool that they didn't know I was listening...especially when Oprah was practicing what she was going to say to the audience of the radio show and said, "What if I told you that the way to lose weight was to stop dieting?!"

And I yelled into the phone (I knew she couldn't hear me), "I'd say SIGN ME UP MOTHERFUGGER!"

And then I laughed my ass off...all by myself...because I am lame.


Addendum: The radio show will air in a few weeks. When I find out the exact date, I'll post it here.

Monday, April 5, 2010

About That "Oprah Thing"

What was that? I can't hear you!

Good Morning, Peeps!

I guess I should've used that line yesterday...you know...since it was Easter and the marshmallow PEEPS were coming at me from every freakin direction. Yuck.

Anywho, I'm working from home today. WHY, you ask? Well, I hate to namedrop but, I need to be here when OPRAH calls (read Friday's post).

Dudes, I'm getting kind of nervous.

And I'm having second thoughts.

I mean, it's one thing to commiserate about my weight/weight loss/dieting/ butt size with you. But, it's a whole other ball of wax discussing my bin-ess on a national radio show with Oprah Winfrey and Geneen Roth. Good Lord.

I guess it could be worse. It's not live television. Oprah will be able to hear me, but she won't be able to SEE ME, which is fan-freakin-tastic because I DO NOT want to be known as THAT GIRL who crapped her pants on Oprah. I'll crap my pants in private, thank.you.very.much.

Oh yeah...and one more thing...

I thought Oprah's Soul Series was going to be LIVE today. Not so, people. It's going to be taped today but will air another day. I'll let you know when that happens so you can hear me hyperventilating in Oprah's ear.

Peace out, dudes!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Sally & Oprah: Soul Sisters In Trunk Junk

Remember that book that I told you about last week? The one that I read, reviewed, and really liked because it addresses WHY women have love/hate relationships with food (click here to see it)?

Yeah, well. What I didn't tell you is that I read it for OPRAH. Well, technically not for Oprah, but for Oprah Radio.

And yesterday? I got a call from this very nice lady, Leslie, who works for Oprah Radio (XM Channel 156) and she invited me to take part in a radio show with Oprah and Geneen Roth, who is the author of the aforementioned book, Women Food And God. It's going to happen on Monday, April 5Th at 1:30 Central Time.

HOLY FRICKIN CRAP, PEOPLE! DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID OPRAH!!

And do you know what the funny thing is? When I read the book and wrote down my thoughts about it, I did it the same way in which I write my blog. I was honest.

I really liked it and I decided that I would take its principles and try my best to utilize them...really practice them. I began to internally inquire about my behaviors before I ate anything. And I stopped blaming my butt size on WHAT I eat in lieu of understanding WHY I eat. And you know what? It's all new to me and I'm taking it one day at a time. But, so far (without killing myself), I've lost six pounds. Whoo hoo!

Anyway, the other thing that I find ironic about this whole Oprah/Radio thing is this. I have always been a BIG Oprah fan.

I have always wanted to go and see her show.

A few times, I've called to try to get tickets only to hear an incessant busy signal on the other end of the telephone line, so I gave up.

Then, I tried getting tickets online.

But, when you go to the "Do you want to be on the show?" section of the show's website, it always asks questions like:

*Are you addicted to prescription drugs? Unless my relationship with cheesecake counts, that's a no, Oprah.

*Are you leading a secret double life? Good Lord. My life is as boring as sh*t. And to top it off, I have a blog where I bitch about the size of my ass to the entire Internet! And I lack a mouth filter! There is no freakin way in hell that I can keep a secret, people.

*Do you need Suze Orman to give you a financial smack down? Again, that's a no, Ope!I am currently not a bazillion dollars in debt (Thank you, Jesus!) and even if I was, I wouldn't tell Suze Orman because she's like the Judge Judy of money and she scares the crap out of me.

And while I'm on a roll, some other categories that have kept me from being on Oprah are: I am not a closet lesbian, my husband is not undergoing transgender surgery to have his dingus removed, and I am not a hoarder.

Geez...I never realized how NORMAL I really am (stop laughing)!

Anywho, who'd a thunk that my constant pursuit of a smaller ass is what would finally unite me with the big O? Sally and Oprah: United By The Junk In Their Trunks....

Isn't it ironic? Dontcha think? Okay. I'm suddenly turning into Alanis Morissette, but whatever.

So, that's the deal, my friends. If you have access to XM Radio and are around on Monday at 1:30 Central Time, tune into Oprah Radio on Channel 156 to hear my take on Women Food And God. Oh, and you know how people talk about the POWER OF PRAYER? Yeah, well let's put it to the test. Collectively, I'd like us all to pray that I don't make an ass of myself on live radio. Amen.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Accidentally On Purpose?

If you know what's good for you, you WILL take my side.

Last night on our way home from work, we stopped at a convenience store to buy milk. As Hubby was getting out of the car (I stayed in the car) he asked, "Do you want anything else besides the milk?" I thought for a second then said, "Yes. Can you get me a loaf of Light Milano bread?" "Okay," he said. And away he went.

A couple of minutes later, he came out of the store, put the bag on the back seat, and we headed home.

When we got home, Hubby unpacked the convenience store bag and said, "Here." And he handed me this:


WTFFFFFFFF?

Me: Why in the hell did you buy me a box of Oreos?

Hubby: Because they didn't have Milanos!

Me: I didn't ask you for Milanos (AKA Pepperidge Farm Devil Cookies)! I asked you for LIGHT MILANO bread!

Hubby: You did?

Me: YES! WHY WOULD I ASK YOU TO BUY ME COOKIES? Seriously, Paul?!

Hubby: I don't know! I guess I didn't hear you!

Me: OH.MY.GOD.

Hubby: It was an accident! I DIDN'T HEAR YOU!

Me: *grumble, grumble* (mumbling under my breath and contemplating using a taser)

Now, in stating my case against Hubby, let me just say this. HE SAYS he can't hear. He's always walking around asking me WHAT? WHAT? HUH? HUH? WHAT'D YOU SAY? WHAT WAS THAT? Yet, he went to an ear, nose, and throat specialist AND had a hearing test and the doctor said he hears perfectly.

You know what I say? I SAY that he has selective hearing and hears what he wants to hear. You know why? Because miraculously he always hears what I don't want him to hear! He can hear me drop a hundred dollar bill on a shag carpet. But, when I ask him for Light Milano bread, he hears, "BUY ME OREOS!"

Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack! Seriously.

Oh yeah! And one more thing...

Last night at around ten-ish, he was sitting on the couch watching the telly with a PLATE OF OREOS and a big glass of milk in front of him. When I walked by, he smiled at me and said, "Oreos are AWESOME."

I said nothing (WHY BOTHER? HE CAN'T HEAR ME, REMEMBER?). I just made a face and walked away.

But, I did leave this on the kitchen counter for him before I went to bed:


I think you'll agree that even the hearing impaired would get this message.