Thursday, September 30, 2010

Shiny Happy People!

The following photos are brought to you by the cranky lady who was in front of me this morning at the coffee shop drive-thru:



What did the 5 fingers say to the face? SLAP!


Clearly, somebody needs to get this ray of friggin sunshine some Prozac, NO?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Great Minds Think Alike? NOT!

The weather is beautiful here this time of year. It's still warm enough during the day (70's) to make me NOT want to slit my wrists (WINTER BLOWS), but when I wake up in the morning, I can definitely feel an invigorating change in the air. The atmosphere feels crisper, drier, and fresher. The leaves are changing colors. And everywhere I go, I see mounds of pumpkins for sale. I absolutely love it.

On Sunday, Hubs and I decided to take some time off to stop and smell the pumpkins, so to speak. And we went for a ride around the area to marvel at all of the changes that are taking place around us.

We drove by some amazing pumpkin patches:


We saw fields of fresh butternut squash:


And then? We saw a "For Sale" sign at the end of a long PRIVATE driveway that WE KNEW probably led to an amazing ocean side home.

Against my wishes---YOU KNOW...because my fear of being arrested/having a cavity search, is much GREATER than my curiosity (It kills cat's, you know!), MY HUSBAND---who for all intents and purposes, I will herein refer to as Nosey Jones, decided to trespass because he felt like a FOR SALE SIGN on the side of the road gave him Carte Blanche to invade some home seller's property on a SUNDAY---which we all know is classified as the Lord's day and HELLO?! Breaking the law on ANY DAY isn't cool, But if you do it on the Lord's day, you ARE TOTALLY FREAKING SCREWED and...um...WHAT THE FRIG WAS I GETTING AT?

Oh, yeah. So, Nosey Jones was all, "There's a FOR SALE sign on that property for a reason! They WANT YOU to drive down their driveway to look at their home!" And I'm all , "NO WAY, Nosey Jones! They want you to CALL THE FRIGGIN REALTOR that's representing them and MAKE A GAH-DAMN APPOINTMENT to see their property! We are invading their space and WE'RE GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE!"

Just as I was getting ready to pull the steering wheel away from Nosey Jones and drive us into a ditch to avoid a trespassing blemish on my NONEXISTENT criminal record, Nosey Jones hooked the steering wheel to the left---BIG SMILE ON HIS DAMN FACE, LIKE WE WERE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE OR SOME SH*T---and down the long, private driveway we went.

For the record, I love Nosey Jones. But, sometimes? I really want to taser his ass for not listening to me. Doesn't he realize that I am a FOUNTAIN OF KNOWLEDGE?! Stop laughing...

Anywho, so there we are---trespassing on this private property---driving down the longest driveway that I have ever seen, and we come upon the most amazing views ever:



Suddenly, Nosey Jones looked at me and said...

Nosey J: Oh my God! This is beautiful! They must be asking MILLIONS for this property! It's amazing!

Me: Yeah, yeah. Amazing. Whatever. Now let's get the HELL out of here before we get busted.

At this point, we turned another corner on the driveway and we saw these bushes:




To me, there was nothing special about them. They were just odd shaped shrubs.

To my husband, they were a status symbol.

And I realized THIS because as he drove past them, he looked at them in amazement (eyes wide, mouth open). Then he looked at me.

Then he looked BACK AT THEM. THEN he looked at me AGAIN. WHAT THE?

Finally, he said, "My GOD, Sal! These people must have A LOT OF MONEY. They must be filthy, stinkin rich!"

I responded, "You mean because they have such a large track of land on the ocean?"

"Nope," he said, shaking his head. "I mean because of the penis trees! I have NEVER in my life seen PENIS TREES! Only people THIS rich would have penis trees!"

Penis trees? Really?!

I'm really starting to question his thinking process, y'all.

Friday, September 24, 2010

You Win Some, You Lose Some. Get Used To It.

Happy Friday, Peeps!

It's time to announce the winners of my great skin giveaway! But, before I do, I'd like to tell you two things.

First, to choose the winners at random, all comments on the original giveaway post were numbered in order in which they were posted (from 1-52). Then, a random number generator was used to pick the five winning numbers.

So, I didn't play favorites, y'all.

Because if I did? I WOULD'VE BEEN THE WINNER OF ALL FIVE GIFT BAGS.

And second?

No matter what, YOU'RE ALL WINNERS TO ME (except for the guy with the wrinkly ball sack)!

And if I had Oprah's money? I would TOTALLY buy you all new cars AND pay John Travolta to fly all of our happy asses to Australia for ten days.

But, alas...I.AM.POOR.

I guess you'll just have to settle for my friendship.

I know. Big letdown. Sorry.

Anywho, let's get this show on the road!

The winners of the "Great Skin Giveaway" are...DRUM ROLL PLEASE (or not...whatever)....

*Commenter #8, Kendra B, who said:
I stay up late at night laughing over your posts.
Lack of sleep + laugh lines = you OWE me, Sally.
;)


*Commenter #15, Kathy, who said:
Hi Sally,
I have been looking old and tired and would love to look as young and beautiful as you are Sally. Please pick this old whore as your winner.


*Commenter #31, Melissa, who said:
What a fabulous giveaway! I love your blog and would love to win these Eucerin products to help me look as fabulous as you. You're vibrant, youthful and beautiful!!!!
Hope I Win!!!!


*Commenter #34, Judyqofk, who said:
Sally I want to be nubile and gorgeous just like YOU!!! I also want to be funny and ballsy like you - will these products help me with that goal? I sure hope so and that your RNG picke ME!

*Commenter #47, Ana, who said:
Sally, I would LOVE to win! But, even if I don't, I'll still love you anyway.
Ana :)


Congratulations, ladies!

To the winners: Please send me an email containing your full names and shipping addresses (no p.o. boxes please) to sallyacosta@aol.com. The sooner I receive your contact information, the sooner you'll be able to lube up that NASTY, DRY skin of yours!

To the losers: Life isn't always fair. Suck it up.

Thanks for playing, everybody!

And have a great weekend!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Some People Are Just Gross

Today is the last day that you can enter my Great Skin Give-A-Way.

I will announce the five winners tomorrow.

In the original give-a-way post, I told y'all that to enter, all you had to do was leave me a comment pertaining to that post.

What I didn't expect was a comment like this one:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "It's The "Great Skin" Give-A-Way!!":

Sally, I would love to win all of these wonderful products! Maybe they'll take some of the wrinkles out of the old "Ball Sack."

Posted by Anonymous to Mais Fica (More For Me) at September 17, 2010 3:35 PM

Okay. Here's the deal.

First? I don't possess a ball sack. So, I wouldn't presume to know what cosmetic measures--IF ANY--should or should not be taken to erase said ball sack wrinkles.

And SECOND? I tracked this comment using my live blog feed. And it came from a town, not far away from me, where two people that I know reside.

The first person that I know from THAT town is my friend from high school. She is a respectable woman who, anatomically (like me), sports a vajayjay and NOT a set of hairy boys.

However, the OTHER person who lives in ball sack town, is LOU, who is FIFTY-NINE years old and, I'm guessing, probably has some wrinkly nad issues.

Y'all? I've decided that I'm changing the give-a-way rules.

You can still enter today by leaving me a comment on this post.

However, if your comment embeds a picture in my head that MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP, you will be disqualified.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

"It's ELECTRIFYING!"---John Travolta, Grease (1978)

Hubby and I are FINALLY moving our business from Rhode Island to Massachusetts in approximately two weeks. Because of all of the last minute preparations for our move, Hubs has been working like a mad dog. Seriously. If we didn't work together, I'd never see him.

On Sunday (and Saturday, too), he worked at our new building all day and night. At about 6:00pm, I called him to find out how he was doing and he basically bribed me with FOOD to come and hang out with him while he continued his construction project. He was all, "Why don't you come up here and I'll take you for dinner. I could use a break." Never one to pass up a good meal, I accepted....not realizing that HE had an ulterior motive.

After having a pretty quick meal of chicken fajitas, I drove Hubs back to work and had EVERY intention of going home to do laundry. Suddenly, Hubs said, "Don't you want to come in to see the progress that I've made today?"

In my mind I was all like, "No. I want to go home and wash my dirty underwear and watch all of my Tivo-ed crap from last week." But, I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I was all, "OF COURSE! Yay! Paint and sheet rock! Nails and pipes! Whoo friggin hoo!"

So I went in and looked around:

Walls, tools, and crap.


Pipes, metal stuff, and more crap.


Windows, metal doors, more crap, and a glimpse of the Hubby

Look! Crap on wheels!


Oh my friggin hell! Ungrouted tile! I can't contain my excitement!


As y'all can tell. This construction shit's not my bag. I pretend it is to keep the man happy. But, really? YAWN! I don't give a crap about THE CONSTRUCTION PROCESS.

So, on Sunday? When I tried to LEAVE him to his work and go home to my laundry, Tivo, and chai? Hubs wasn't having it. AND he tried to get me involved in the PROCESS. He was all, "Do you want to stay and help me?"

NO. I WANT TO GO HOME AND PUT ON MY JAMMIES AND WASH MY DELICATES AND WATCH RACHAEL RAY AND DRINK MY VANILLA CHAI.

Begrudgingly, I responded, "Um. Well. I'm not sure WHAT I can do. But, if you have something that YOU THINK I can do...well...okay." I was trapped. Son-of-a-b*tch.

So he says to me (all freakin excited cuz we were going to bond over tools and shit), "I KNOW! You can screw the plates onto the plugs in your office!"

Oh fuggin joy. Me, a screwdriver, and electric sockets.

That's a recipe for success, if I ever heard one!

So he takes me into what will be my new office and tells me to take these thingies (Herein referred to as THINGY #1):


And screw them onto these thingies (Herein referred to as THINGY #2):


Easy, peasy! RIGHT?!

FUGGIN.WRONG.

Because when I tried to screw THINGY #1 over THINGY #2, this is what happened:


The THINGIES DID'NT LINE UP. So, I yelled to Hubs, who was in another room, "HEY PAUL! These covers DON'T LINE UP with the PLUGS! WTF?!"

And he yelled back, "They probably just have to be adjusted."

So, I waited and waited for like FIVE minutes and he NEVER CAME so I was like, "Frick this. I'll adjust them MYSELF!" So, I take the screwdriver and GENTLY push the side of THINGY #2 to the right, like this:


And this:


FYI...I KNEW BETTER than to stick that screwdriver anywhere near the actual socket holes because I am brilliant, RIGHT?

WRONG.

Don't ask me what I did, people. I still have no flippin idea. All I know is in the blink of an eye, I went from being
"Sally Smarty Pants" to "Sally Pissed My Pants" when I nearly electrocuted my damn self. OUUUUUCH!!!!!

And with this acknowledgement, I ask that you please humor me while I leave the following message for my husband:

Dear Paul, I love you. But, you can pretty much stick THIS and ANY FUTURE construction projects up you know where! Call me on moving day. Muchos Smoochos, Sally

*****THE PREVIOUS WAS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SKIN ON MY LEFT HAND, WHICH STILL SMELLS LIKE BACON*****

Friday, September 17, 2010

It's The "Great Skin" Give-A-Way!!

Happy Friday, my friends!

Like I promised last week, today is GIVE-A-WAY DAY! And I am SUPER excited!

To enter my super awesome GREAT SKIN GIVEAWAY and be on your way to having lovely, hydrated, youthful skin...JUST LIKE ME (Humor me, people. I don't ask for much!), CLICK HERE!

Have a great weekend everybody! AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

At Least I Admit It...

I am so ungracious, y'all.

And to prove it, I'm shamelessly going to share with you two of my Facebook posts/comments from this week.

This first one stems from a comment that my friend Judi made regarding her becoming a Notary Public. In response to her announcement, all of her OTHER Facebook friends were all, "Whoo hoo! Way to go! Congratulations! Good for you!"

And I? Well, I was all like, "Okay. How can I use Judi's status to my advantage? What's in this for me?"

And this was our Facebook exchange:

Judi H. M.: Is officially a Notary Public. Let the witnessing of signatures begin!

Sally Araujo Costa: Okay. Let's just say that AFTER he consumes several alcoholic beverages, I get PAUL COSTA to write on a cocktail napkin that he PROMISES to buy me a brand new Mercedes Benz for Christmas. If YOU notarize it, will it be submissible in court as a VIABLE CONTRACT?

Judi H. M.: No, Bips (what Judi and I call each other). I am afraid not. A notary only witnesses the signature, saying that Paul Costa was the person who signed the cocktail napkin. My notarizing it does not attest to the legality of the document. Nice try, though. Don't worry, once I get contract law under my belt in paralegal school, we'll get cracking on the Benz... ;-)

Sally Araujo Costa: Cool. We will address this matter in the future over scorpion bowls. Bring your stamp.

**********************************************************

Example #2 of my TOTAL ungraciousness came on Monday afternoon AFTER this telephone conversation with my niece:

Me: Hello?

Niece: Sal? Are you at work?

Me: Yes.

Niece: Did you tape the premier of the Oprah Show today?

Me: Yeah, why?

Niece: Are you going to watch it tonight?

Me: YEAH, WHY? WHAT? TELL ME!! TELL ME!!

Niece: You are NOT going to believe the give-a-way that OPRAH did today!

Me: WHAT? TELL ME! WHAT?

Niece: SHE'S TAKING EVERYONE IN HER AUDIENCE ON AN EIGHT DAY TRIP TO AUSTRALIA!

ME: THOSE LUCKY WHORES!

Niece: I know! Can you even believe it?!

Me: SON-OF-A-B*TCH!

Niece: I know! Those lucky B*TCHES! (We're related. Can you tell?)

And after we commiserated some more about how lucky those audience members were and how we were fighting the feeling of hateration about the whole situation, I went on Facebook and posted this:

Sally Araujo Costa: Dear Oprah ~ I am so jealous right now, I could shit shards of broken glass.

Yeah...

Grace?

Definitely not one of my strong points, people.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Accidentally On Purpose?

Yesterday, I ran into my old neighbor. His name is Billy and he's in his 80's.

A long time ago (like ten years ago), I did something horrible to him. And every time I see him or think of him, I still feel terribly guilty.

Let me explain...

Billy used to live across the street from where I worked. He had a reputation in the neighborhood of being an ornery, little bullshitter. But WE always got along fine.

What I liked about Billy was that he was a foodie, just like me. And every time I had yummy leftovers, like from a party, I would call him and say, "Hey Billy, I've got some extra lasagna/cake/chicken wings--leftover from blah, blah, blah. Would you like some?"

And FASTER than you can shake your boo-tay, he'd be at my door with an empty food container in hand, TOTALLY ready to collect his yummies.

One day, OUT OF THE BLUE, I got a visit at work from a douchebag that I used to be friends with. I had lost a substantial amount of weight (about 25 pounds) since seeing her last and she was clearly being an asshole about it. She took one look at me and said, "OH MY GOD! You lost so much weight! I HOPE YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE ANYMORE. YOU'LL LOOK SICK!"

Translation: The more weight you lose, the worse I'LL LOOK.

I was pissed off.

But, I made light of the situation and said, "I am sick. I'm sick and tired of the smoke signals that rise into the air when my thighs rub together." And I smiled at her.

The next day, THE BIG WHORE visited me at work AGAIN. WTF?

But this time? She brought me a present.

Dudes! Brace yourselves. You are not even going to believe this shit.

She walked into my place of business and handed me a FIVE POUND box of chocolates saying, "Ooooh! I went to this wonderful little chocolate shop yesterday and I thought of you because I know how much you LOVE chocolate!"

Yeah! She really did...the asshole!

Ooooh! Inside, I was friggin SEETHING. I was like--this bitch is trying to sabotage me!

For a split second, I thought about pinning her to the ground and force feeding her EVERY ONE OF THOSE DAMN CHOCOLATES.

But, I didn't.

Because I didn't want her to blow chunks on my freakin floor. I have a weak stomach and I DO NOT possess the ability to clean up other peoples puke without retching all over myself.

So, instead? I smiled at her and said, "Oh! That was so nice of you for thinking of me (you douchebag)! The great thing about Weight Watchers is that you can eat everything in moderation!"

She gave me an evil smile, shrugged her shoulders--as if to say---I know, I know! I am the best friend, EVER!---and screwed.

Fuggin sabotaging trollop.

And when she was gone? I had a panic attack.

I was like, WTF am I going to do with FIVE FRIGGIN POUNDS of chocolates?

Dudes! I swear! The BOX was the like the size of a piece of carry on luggage!

I debated calling Billy. I KNEW that he would run right over and GLADLY take them off of my hands.

But, I ALSO knew that six months prior, he'd had a FRIGGIN QUADRUPLE BYPASS--where his veins were all rerouted and shit!

I was freaking out, y'all. Because in case you don't know this by now, MY NAME IS SALLY... AND I AM A CHOCOHOLIC!

So, I did a very, very, bad thing.

I wanted the chocolate GONE.

And I wanted it GONE the quickest way possible.

So, I did it.

I called Billy.

And he WAS THRILLED. He ran right over and within five minutes, the FIVE FRIGGIN POUNDS OF CHOCOLATE were gonzo.

Whew! I dodged that whore's bullet.

But, ten years later, I am still feel guilty about pawning that much chocolate off on poor, ole, clogged artery Billy.

So, yesterday, after not seeing him for a really long time, I ran into him again. Hubby and I were driving in my Mom's neighborhood and we spotted him. He waived and gave us a big, toothless grin.

YEAH. I KNOW. I said TOOTHLESS. But, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT! He had no teeth BEFORE I gave him the chocolate! I swear!

Anywho, as he drove by us, I turned to Hubby and said, "Yay! Billy's still alive and kicking! I didn't kill him! I still feel so
gah-damn guilty about feeding him that CASE of chocolate that THAT DOUCHEBAG gave me
."

And that's when Hubby fed me one of the best lines EVER...

He looked at me and said, "Sal, you really need to get over it. It's OLD news. Look at it this way....YOU GAVE HIM THE GUN. BUT, YOU DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER!"

Touché, Hubsy.

Touché

Friday, September 10, 2010

"Cake Frosting" Is Not A Food Group

Remember the other day when I told you that I'm trying to get my husband to join me in my quest for good health by eating more fruits and vegetables?

Yeah, well...So far? Epic fail.

Because as far as I know? There are no fruits or vegetables that do THIS:



Oh, well. Can't blame a RAVISHINGLY BEAUTIFUL girl for trying (My blog, my delusional visions of grandeur...).

Have a FANTASTIC weekend everybody!

And be sure to check in next week because I've got an AWESOME
give-a-way planned!

I LOVE FREE STUFF! Don't you?!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Alex? I'll Choose "WINE" For One Hundred Dollars!

Lou called me and asked...

Lou: Hey? What are you doing on September 30Th?

Me: Um. Working.

Lou: I KNOW THAT. What are you doing at night?

Me: How the hell do I know? I don't even know what I'm having for lunch TODAY.

Lou: Well, listen. Linda wants to go see some INSPIRATIONAL LADY in Providence. You wanna go?

Me: Uh. I guess so.

Lou: Good! I'll order the tickets! What we'll do is, YOU AND LINDA will go and see the lady. PAUL AND I will hang out and have drinks somewhere nearby.

Me: OH! I get it now, you little bastard! You DON'T WANT TO sit through the "inspirational lady" because you think SHE'S GOING TO SUCK! You're using me to take your place, thereby keeping your wife happy! You're such a SMOOTH OPERATOR.

Lou: You got it!

Me: Cool. I'm in. Maybe I'll learn something. So.....Who is this LADY that we're going to see?

Lou: I don't know what the hell her name is. Let me think...wait a minute. Linda was talking about her last night...Um...OH, YEAH. Her name is ANGELA MAYALOU.

Me: WHAT?

Lou: ANGELA MAYALOU!

Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lou: What's so freaking funny?

Me: HAHAHAHAHA! I think you mean MAYA ANGELOU! HAHAHAHAHA!

Lou: *PAUSE* You're going to blog about this, aren't you?

Me: Damn straight, chump.

Lou: I'm calling my lawyer.

Me: HAHAHAHA! Whatever, dude....

CLICK.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

New Friend Wanted: Phony B*tches Need Not Apply

I'm still here, people! Hurricane Earl was no match for moi!

Actually? For all of the bullsh*t hype about it, Earl was kind of a big, fat dud....but, I'm not complaining (WHEW!).

So, I have a story for you.

I know, I know. Like WHEN do I NOT have a story, right?

But this one's a good one. Trust me. Here goes....

I used to have this friend. I never really realized that we weren't friends anymore. I just thought that due to life taking us in different directions, we grew apart. We still talked occasionally and we sent each other Christmas cards. But that's pretty much the extent of our relationship for the last few years.

This "growing apart" thing? TOTALLY fine with me. Because honestly? I have ALWAYS found this person to be annoying and exhausting to be around. She's not someone who's easy to reason with. She has NO sense of humor. She takes everything literally (like a child). And? She's a hypocrite.

Recently, I found out that this person--who I rarely ever see--has been reading my blog and leaving me REALLY HURTFUL "anonymous" comments---which are not so anonymous anymore due to the wonders of modern technology. Thank.You.Very.Much.

When I found out it was her? Initially? I wanted to BUST HER BIG, FAT FACE. But, honestly, I'm all talk AND that's not how I roll. Plus, I don't want to go to prison, where I'll be somebody's b*tch, because I hate it when people try to boss me around.

So, I confronted her--rather nicely--if I do say so myself. A.K.A. The b*tch wouldn't give me the opportunity to speak to her alone and I didn't want to cause a ruckus in front of her family.

I let her know that I KNOW about her comments. I let her know that she doesn't HAVE TO read my blog (but I know she will because she's a nosey b*tch). And I let her know that I'm going to continue being myself no matter what she thinks. Because HER opinion and her friendship mean less than nothing to me.

Funny how a person like her, who IGNORANTLY shuns a close member of her very own family just for being gay, feels like she has the right to criticize and judge me (and my relationships). Puh-leeze, B*tch.

They say that living well is the best revenge.

To some extent, I believe that.

But, I also believe what my Momma says.

She says that looking your best is the ultimate revenge.

And since when I confronted this jackass, she looked like crap---AND I didn't?

I'd say that my Momma is brilliant.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Bite Me, Earl.

As y'all might already know, Hurricane Earl is making its way here tonight. Rhode Island (THAT'S ME! YIKES!) and Southeastern Massachusetts will feel its effects in terms of pretty strong winds and maybe three inches of rain. But, for the most part, we've been told that we are dodging a huge bullet. Thank you, Jesus.

In terms of all of the tropical storms and nor'easters that we tend to experience here, I will never understand why New Englanders prepare for them the way they do.

For example, this morning? I stopped at a little grocery store to buy a salad for lunch. As I approached the refrigerated case where the salads were kept, I noticed that the bread shelves were almost empty. Then, just out of curiosity, I made my way over to the coolers to check on the status of the store's MILK SUPPLY. As I expected, those shelves were also looking bare.

What I want to know is, if we lose power---and during bad storms, we often do at my house---WTF would I do with all of that bread and milk?

Seriously.

How many friggin times--during a natural disaster---have you had the EFFIN urge to make french toast? Give me a flippin break.

People need to take a lesson from me and Hubs...because we have common sense. Behold our brilliance:

WHAT THE COSTA'S DID TO PREPARE FOR THAT
A-HOLE, EARL
:

*Hubs and I brought in all of our lawn crap. Because nothing spoils a good storm like a friggin lawn chair crashing through your window.

*We prepared our generator by filling it with fuel (and storing extra fuel). It's not a big generator. But, it's big enough to run our sump pump, some lights, and our high speed Internet. Yes, my friends. EVEN during a storm, I must have access to the web. It's a sickness, people.

*We stocked up on basic necessities. Translation: WINE, SANGRIA, THOSE YUMMY MICHELOB ULTRA FLAVORED BEERS (LIME CACTUS & POMEGRANATE RASPBERRY), VARIOUS SMALL BLOCKS OF CHEESE, CRACKERS, FRENCH BREAD, CHIPS & SALSA, GOOD MELTING CHOCOLATE, A STERNO CAN FOR MY FONDUE POT, MATCHES TO LIGHT THE STERNO CAN, MARSHMALLOWS / POUND CAKE / PRETZELS / STRAWBERRIES...TO DIP IN THE MELTED CHOCOLATE, AND...TUMS

Don't worry about us. I think we'll be okay.

Have a great Labor Day weekend, everybody! Be safe!

OH! And if like me, you're staying home tonight to contend with that MOFO--EARL?

Skype me!

I would just LOVE to virtually share my fondue with you.

I know, I know. I'm just so freakin nice.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cataracts The Size Of Peas?

Tuesday night, after realizing that my Nike Shox were really worn out on the sides (Apparently, I walk like a duck or some sh*t), I decided to head over to the mall to buy some new running shoes:



Since, en route to the mall, I was going to be driving right through the city where my Mother (A.K.A. Sophia Petrillo) lives, I thought I would ask her if she wanted to come shopping with me...you know...just to get the old lady out of the house for a little bit---as she is almost EIGHTY and doesn't drive (I AM THE BEST DAUGHTER EVER!).

When I picked her up, she asked:

Sophia: (INSERT PORTUGUESE ACCENT) What a-you wanna buy?

Me: I need some new sneakers.

Sophia: Oh. *PAUSE* I gonna buy some-ting, too.

Me: Oh, yeah? What?

Sophia: I gonna go foe-a Macy's. I needa buy some good cream foe-a my face. You know...cream foe-a da wrink-luz (That's WRINKLES, people).

Me: Yeah?

Sophia: Yeah. I gonna buy a good one...one dat's a lot a money...be-cuz the wrink-luz are starting to come.

Me: They're STARTING to come?

Sophia: Yep. And I wanna look good...like Joan Rivers!


***Sweet Jesus! Joan Rivers is her role model!***


Me: *INCREDULOUSLY* They're STARTING to come?

Sophia: YEAH!

Me: Oh. Okay.

Can you believe that sh*t?

My MOTHER is on her way to turning EIGHTY and is apparently JUST NOW noticing that she has wrinkles.

Hmmm...If it'll make me look like a size 4, I want the mirror she's using!

You've heard of selective hearing, people?

Well now, I've introduced you to SELECTIVE EYESIGHT.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I'd Rather Have Visions Of Sugar Plums Dancing In My Head

This morning's telephone conversation between me and Lou (I called him)...

Lou: Good morning, Honey!

Me: Good morning, Louie.

Lou: How are you today?

Me: I'm fine. Listen! I'm calling to tell you that I keep getting emails from your email address that link to some pharmacy in Canada that sells erectile dysfunction drugs. WTF is up with that?

Lou: You're not the first person to tell me that! I think someone hacked into my email account. My son-in-law told me to change my email password, so I did. Apparently, that didn't help!

Me: Nope. It definitely didn't help. Matter of fact, the last email I got from you posted this morning at 12:50AM! THAT'S WHEN I KNEW it wasn't really you because you were sleeping!

Lou: *PAUSE* Hmmm...How do you know it wasn't really me? I mean...I COULD HAVE been up at that hour...snapping my carrot, thinking of you, and sending you Viagra emails.

Me: If that's the case, then we are OBVIOUSLY spending way too much freakin time together! I'm cutting you loose! Have a nice life, PIG!

Lou: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: I'm hanging up now, you NASTY BASTARD. You AND YOUR CARROT have a nice day.

*CLICK*

Good Lord. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.