Tuesday, January 25, 2011
An Ass In Sheep's Clothing
Two weeks ago, I bought a car.
My beloved car, Ina (YES, MY CAR WAS NAMED AFTER THE BAREFOOT CONTESSA, WHO I LOVE BECAUSE SHE EATS BUTTER AND HEAVY CREAM WITH RECKLESS ABANDON. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME WEIRD. JUST SAYIN...), shit the bed when her transmission went KABOOM. I briefly thought about replacing her transmission, but she was ten years old and had 264,000 miles on her. So, I thought it best to send her to the farm.
YES. I'm referring to the same farm that your parents told you your dog SUDDENLY went to when you were a kid.
Being that I live in Rhode Island, and winters can get pretty harsh here (IT'S 14 DEGREES HERE RIGHT NOW! SOOOOO REFRESHING!), I decided to buy a small SUV. Because you know what? As much as I loved Ina? SHE SUCKED MAJOR ASS in the snow. She had rear wheel drive, people. And utilizing THAT in the snow is like going on a suicide mission.
To begin my car search, I went online and perused some vehicle selections that were available at a few local car dealerships. Fairly quickly, I found TWO that I was interested, so Hubby and I made our way to both places to analyze the vehicles, their options, and the pricing (OUCH! CARS ARE SOOO FLIPPIN EXPENSIVE!).
At the first dealership, we were barely out of our car, when this car salesman---who was dressed in a fancy, schmancy suit---came over and asked us if we needed help. I told him that I had seen a specific can online and asked if it was still available. Immediately, he replied, "Oh, yeah. It's here. It has 3,000 miles on it so it's LIKE NEW. Let me get a license plate for it and you can take it for a ride."
Yay! I was so excited!
After a few minutes, he came back and the three us took the car for a spin.
When we got back from our ride, we went into SalesDude's office and began negotiating (OR SO I THOUGHT). That's when he basically told me that I would get a very small amount of money for my trade-in AND he wasn't coming down on the price of the new car...AT ALL. NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.
Me: Um...So, the BEST price on that car is what the sticker says?
SalesDude: Well, you know, we don't mark up our cars that much and blah, blah, blah, and ...
Me: *STANDING* Okay. Give me car keys. We're done here.
SalesDude: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Me: I'm not paying full price for a car. AND I don't have time for this shit. GIVE ME MY CAR KEYS.
SalesDude: I'll be right back.
In comes the BIG CHEESE...
Big Cheese SalesDude: How can we help you today?
Me: WE CAN HELP ME BY GIVING ME BACK MY CAR KEYS!
Big Cheese SalesDude: I thought you wanted to buy a car!
Me: I do! But, I'm not paying full price for a car! I'm not a jackass.
Big Cheese SalesDude: Well, how much do you want to pay for it?
Me: WHAT'S YOUR BEST PRICE?
Big Cheese SalesDude: HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO PAY?
Me: GIVE ME MY CAR KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big Cheese Sales Dude: Okay, okay. Here they are. Calm down!
Me: *To Hubby* Let's get out of here....
FAST FORWARD TO 9:00am, THE NEXT MORNING...
SalesDude: This is Bill from XYZ Nissan. How are you?
Me: Fine. WHAT?!
SalesDude: Well, we really got off on the wrong foot yesterday. I could see that you wanted to negotiate. But, I dropped the ball. I'm not used to selling NISSANS.
Me: Um...You work at a Nissan dealership. That doesn't make any friggin sense.
Me: So, what do you want?!
SalesDude: Why don't you come back? We'll talk.
Me: There's nothing for us to talk about AND I don't want to buy a car from you. You're attitude stinks. *CLICK*
FAST FORWARD AGAIN....2 FREAKIN HOURS LATER....
SalesDude: It's me, Bill.
SalesDude: Bill...FROM XYZ NISSAN.
Me: OH.GOOD.GOD. AGAIN???? REALLY????!
SalesDude: *ALL COCKY AND SHIT, LIKE HE WAS DOING ME A FRIGGIN FAVOR* JUST SO YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M GONNA CALL YOU! THIS IS IT! We can come down $500.00 on the price of the car! BUT THAT'S IT!
FAST FORWARD TO THE NEXT FUGGIN MORNING AND I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU, PEOPLE!
SalesDude: Sally? It's me, Bill...from XYZ Nissan. Don't hang up!
Me: WHAT THE HELL? I thought you weren't going to call me anymore!
SalesDude: Yeah, well, I talked to my boss and he said we can come down another $200.00 bucks.
Me: That's not enough.
SalesDude: WHAT?! WHAT?! I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS DEAL FOR TWO DAYS! TWO DAYS! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
Me: I want you to stop calling me AND I'd like you to stick that car up your ass. DON'T MAKE ME GET A RESTRAINING ORDER, BILL.
Can you believe the gall of that assclown?
HE was pissed off at ME because I didn't want to (A) give him my trade-in for FREE AND (B) because I expected him to be nice AND take money off the sticker price of a new-ish car.
Apparently, expecting a little friendly negotiation when forking over craploads of money for a new car, is a big faux pas.
Just goes to show you, Peeps. Any man can wear a fancy, schmancy suit and tie.
But no matter what? You just can't polish a turd.