Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?

You ever have one of those days when you make a complete ass of yourself but you're the only one who doesn't know it?

No? Just ME then?

Okay, you big, fat liars. Whatever...

I'll let you live vicariously through the brilliance that is Sally Costa.

On Saturday, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I'd been working out. I'd been eating healthy. I was feeling like my body felt stronger and leaner.

To celebrate my new attitude, I decided to wear a new pair of pants and sweater that I got for Christmas. I was sure I was going to look soooo freakin cute.

Before getting dressed, I thought to myself, "Hey! I should wear those new Spanx that I got last summer! They'll totally smooth me out and make me look leaner than I already feel!" So, I held my breath and pulled those suckers on. Then, I proceeded to get dressed.

Now, let me just say this.

There are lots of varieties of Spanx. And I'm sure that some of them are probably quite comfortable.

But, the ones I had on felt weird.

They starting the body fat suckage process right under my boobs and ended like a tourniquet---mid thigh.

Holy crap! Can you say PORK SAUSAGE?

Anywho, after I got dressed, I put my make-up on and ran out the door.

As the day progressed, my effin body sausage started rolling down to my waist. WTF?

Then?

Every time my legs moved one way, the friction within my "casing" made my pants move the opposite way.

DUDES! I was so friggin uncomfortable!

Around 1:00pm, I couldn't effin take it anymore. I had to take that shit off or I was gonna hurt somebody.

So, I drove to work---because that was the nearest clean bathroom I could use--- walked in, said hello to Hubby and my father-in-law, and headed straight for the bathroom so I could take off my Spanx before I exploded. WHEW.

When I was leaving, I stuffed the Spanx into my coat pocket (didn't want my father-in-law to see me with undergarments in my hand) and walked back to my car. Just as I was driving away, Hubby ran out and asked, "Sal? Can you do me a favor? Can you return my computer monitor to Best Buy?"

"Yeah. Okay. Put it in my trunk." I replied.

Fast forward to fifteen minutes later...

I'm in Best Buy. I've returned Hubby's computer monitor and am browsing around a little to see what's new in modern technology. I notice that several people are staring at me. And I'm all like, "WOW. I must be having a great hair day. People are admiring me!"

Um...NOT SO FAST, dumbass.

You see...

When I finally left the store, walked up to my car, and saw my reflection in the car's window, I finally figured out what everyone was looking at.

They WERE NOT admiring my cuteness, people. No sirree, Bob.

Instead, they were staring at the CRAZY CHICK whose Spanks legs were hanging out of her gah-damn coat pocket.

So.Fugging.Lovely.

Um...Anyone out there looking for a role model? An epitome of grace?

Well, look the other way, people.

Cuz I'm a freakin mess.

Seriously.

8 comments:

Katie Jandris Martin said...

LOL

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Some people are trend followers and some people are trend setters. I'm going out to get me a pocketful of Spanks...

Duddes02 said...

Hilarious.

Sugar said...

om-friggin-g..
that was fun to read girl!
I'm to scared to try spanks so I salute you for the courage to even try!

Amanda said...

This would happen to me. I'm not saying something similar has mind you (lightning better not pick right now to strike)... but it could.

Pudge said...

It's a simple matter of location and relevance. Had you gone to Wal-Mart, you would have fit right in... so no real worries :)

Catherine55 said...

Too funny!!! Thanks for posting that! BTW, those high Spanx often have something that you clip around your bra strap to keep them from rolling down. If you do that part, they work like a charm!

Rob Dyess said...

I,m with Pudge... you would fit right in a Wallyworld.

Let us know next time you plan on doing something like this in public.

Thanks!