Hubby and I are going on vacation...
To a tropical island....
With Lou ....
I know what you're thinking. Because thus far? These are the reactions that I've gotten when I told people about our plan:
From my Mother: WHAT?! A whole week with Lou?! If you want any peace and quiet, you'd better bring a BIG ROLL OF TAPE to cover his mouth!
From my sister: I hope you and Paul have a wonderful, healthy, and safe vacation. Make sure you keep your eyes open with that crazy, bald bastard!
From my friend: You're going on vacation with Lou?! Have you been smoking crack?
From random people at work: I hope nobody gets arrested!
So, in order to make our trip as restful and relaxing as possible---because GOD knows that I need some friggin rest right about now---I told Lou that the ONLY way we would go anywhere with him is if he signed an agreement saying that he would abide by my vacation rules.
He said he WOULD NOT.
However, his wife, Linda---who doesn't want to put up with his crazy ass all by herself, will force him into it. I guess that means WE'RE IN BUSINESS!
So, here it is....
Sally's Vacation Contract :
1. Never call my room or knock on my door BEFORE 10:00am...or, I will stab you.
2. While in my direct view (or indirect...whatever), you will keep your nuggets, peepee area, and/or their silhouettes completely covered at all times. ABSOLUTELY NO BANANA HAMMOCKS ALLOWED AT THE RESORT.
3. You will not tell random strangers that I am your daughter. If you do, I will sue you for defamation of character. I mean it, you freak!
4. Overindulging in alcoholic beverages does not give you carte blanche to moon people. Keep your ass in your shorts.
5. When people ask, "Where are you from?" DO NOT fake drool and tell them that I took you out of "the home" for a one week family vacation.
6. If you have to blow gears---you gassy, little bastard---walk far, far away. You're flatulence smells like an animal died up your butt.
7. Always chew with your mouth closed and NEVER smile while your chewing. Masticated rum cake ....It's gross.
8. For every time you tell me a story that you've already friggin told me, I get to pinch you.
9. Manboobs. Not pretty. Unless you're in the water? Keep em' covered.
10. I am the boss.
That is all.