Monday, July 25, 2011

The "Guilt" Diet. It Really Works!

This is my niece, Julia.

She's seven, going on thirty.

Saturday night, Hubs and I went out for dinner with her, as well as with a slew of other family members. 

After dinner, we decided to go to an ice cream parlor that's situated near the ocean. 

When we got there, I turned to Julia and asked, "Miss Julia?  What kind of ice cream do you want?" 

She replied, "I don't want any." 

Puzzled, I asked her again, "Huh?  You don't want any?  Are you still full from dinner?"

This time, she stopped, put her hands on her hips and said, "Nope.  It's just that ice cream is NOT my favorite snack.  I LOVE carrots, grapes, and string cheese!"

For a moment, I was utterly speechless.  I mean...What NORMAL kid doesn't love ice cream?

She continued, "ANDDDDDD.....I'm trying to maintain my healthy lifestyle!  THAT'S why I look like THISSSSSS!"  Then, the seven year old version of Vanna Friggin White,  motioned up and down the sides of her body with her hands before running towards the water to play.


I looked at my sister incredulously for a moment, before asking, "Where the FRIG did that kid come from?"  She shook her head and shrugged, as if the mystery was beyond even her.

FYI...In case you're wondering? 

YES.  Julia and I are blood relatives.

And NO.  I didn't eat the damn ice cream, either. 

I felt too guilty

The little shit.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Men Are From Mars. Boys Are From Uranus.

In lieu of going to summer camp, my nephew, Jon (he's ten), has been spending some of his days at our place of business.  To keep him busy, we have outfitted our building with his bike, a gocart, an electric scooter, a designated computer for his use only,  a swing, and books.  Trust me.  The kid's got it made.

One day this week, my husband knocked on my office window and said, "Hey, Sal?!  Can you come in here for a second?  You HAVE GOT to see this!"

When I walked into our production area, I saw this (Click on the photo to enlarge it)....

My friends?  This is my nephew, Jon.  He's playing video games on the computer...while wearing swimming goggles AND BREATHING THROUGH a snorkel.  I'm not really sure why.  Although, we did give him a book for boys that had a fart chapter in it.  Maybe he was blowing gears and didn't want to enhale his own butt bombs

I don't know....

Or, maybe boys are just weird.  They are, in fact, just little men in the making, y'all.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Sometimes "Bite Me" Just Isn't Enough.

Everyday at work, I get tons of pamphlets and brochures aimed at selling me stuff. 

Lots of times, these brochures advertise business seminars that teach people everything from OSHA compliance to how to use software programs.

Today, I received a really interesting brochure for a seminar that I've never been introduced to before.  I thought its topic was really interesting, but I hurled it into the trash because I WAS ABSOLUTELY SURE that I didn't even have to consider partaking in this one...

About an hour later, I was in my office (in the front of the building) talking to a vendor on the telephone, when suddenly I heard a LOUD male voice YELL from the production area (the room right behind my office/desk).  He said, "YOU KNOW WHAT?!  THAT GUY'S AN A**HOLE!  AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE????  HE CAN JUST BITE MY SACK!"

NOW...I'm no expert in appropriate workplace behavior, my friends.

But, I'm puh-retty sure that sack-biting doesn't fit the bill.

I need to go dig a brochure out of the trash, y'all.

Monday, July 18, 2011

"When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best"---Hallmark

Today is my mother-in-law's birthday.

For the last week and a half, I have reminded my husband--SEVERAL TIMES--to buy her a card. 

Yet, this morning, when I asked him where the card was, he shrugged and he said, "Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  Can you pick one up for me when you go out to get coffee?  Um...and make sure it says something NICE." 

Okay, SLACKER.  No problemo.

Even though YOU'RE THE ONE that she pushed out of her HOO-HA forty-seven years ago, I'll take care of it.

So, today? When we go visit her, THIS is the sentimental card that she'll be getting from her loving, firstborn son...*sniffle, sniffle*

I can't wait to witness THEIR special Hallmark moment.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Moon Over Grand Cayman

I'm baaaack!

I know.  You never really knew I was gone because I told you I was going on vacation, yet, was completely vague about when I was going because I'm not an idiot and I know that you should NEVER announce WHEN you are going on vacation on social media networks because while you're gone---enjoying large quantities of rum cake while sitting on a nice, sandy beach (OH.YES.I.DID)---some douche nugget will break into your house and steal your shit. 

Anywho, we went.

We saw.

We ate.

And I?   Well, let's just say that I came back five pounds denser.  Damn fuggin rum cake.

You're probably wondering how my vacation was and if I killed Lou after spending SEVEN FRIGGIN DAYS WITH HIM (Twelve hours a day...but, who the fug was counting?).  In a nutshell?  I DID NOT. 

But, because of him, I have  to classify my trip as (1) FUN, (2) LOVELY, and (3) UGLY...all at the same time.  Allow me to illustrate with photos. 

Let's start with the LOVELY. 

PC (Hubs), me, the bastard Lou, and Linda (the bastard's Lou's wife) went to Grand Cayman for one week.  We stayed on Seven Mile Beach and it was beautiful and amazing:

Seven Mile Beach

Hotel Pool

Our Backyard :)

And now for the FUN!

We visited the turtle farm.

And the iguanas.....

Had fun in the sun....

Para sailing!

500 ft. high! 

Linda & Lou....

The Royal Treatment

Dinner with friends....
Shopping!  Yay! 
FYI...Did you know that George Clooney was the
spokesman for Omega watches?  Me neither! 
I guess he has to fill his time somehow,
now that he's a "free man." 
Hey, George!  Just say NO to whores!

This is our friend, who we met in Cayman.
 He works at the hotel that we stayed at.
His name is Michael Douglas (for real)...and he is soooo freakin funny!

PC, Me, Michael Douglas, Lou, and Linda

And, FINALLY?  Here it is, y'all.  On to the UGLY...(my sincere apologies).

On the first full day of our vacation, Lou and Linda called us into their room.  Apparently, Linda was not impressed with Lou's mad scientist eyebrows, so she was all, "Sally?  Can you trim Louie's eyebrows?" 

Um.  Excuse me?!  Do I look like an animal groomer to you?  Hehehe...

Hairy Beast

Taming the Beast

Brace yourselves...It get's UGLIER...

On day THREE, PC and I went back to our room after a long day of sightseeing and shopping.  When we walked in to throw our shopping bags on the bed, we realized that some sexual deviant had been in our room.  He left THIS (the fuggin pervert)....

Her name is Vivian.

Apparently her 42DDD bra doesn't fit.

Mysteriously,  a picture of the culprit appeared on PC's cell phone (which we had left in the room all day).....


Last BUTT (pun intended) not least, the grossest part of our trip occurred when one morning, there was a knock at our door.  I asked, "Who is it?" And someone responded, "Room service!"  I was all, "WTF?  I didn't order anything...Hmmmm....

When I opened the door, this freak of nature was standing there looking like this....

Ironic that he's carrying a container of nuts, no?

Thank Jesus he was wearing a white towel in the "nugget" area.  The back, however?  Yeah.  It's EXACTLY what you thought....

Moon over Grand Cayman. 


It's gonna take electric shock therapy to remove this image from my brain, y'all.