Friday, August 19, 2011

For People Pleasers....Who Just Can't Say NO.

Here's a little trick that I've learned...

When you want to manipulate a situation in your favor (and you don't want to have to justify your feelings / say NO / or explain yourself), look at the dumb ass you are trying to con the friend/spouse/family member involved in said situation--square in the eyeballs---and mention a so called revolution. LIKE THIS...

To The Husband: "Dude. Today? You're going to have to clean the house, do the laundry, and eat frozen pizza. I'm going out to get a pedicure, a massage, and a facial. I need to feel refreshed...for when THE REVOLUTION COMES."

To The Relative That You No Likey: "I'm soooo sorry, but I won't be able to attend your boring ass function. I need to stay home to wax various parts of my female anatomy. It's very important that I be well know....for WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES."

To The Lady Who Weighs You In At Weight Watchers: "I'm up two pounds?! Well, in the grand scheme of things, I don't REALLY think that anybody's going to give a crap about the SIZE of my ass...WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES."

See? It really works!

And before you ask, the answer is NO.

People WILL NOT really believe you.

But, they won't ask questions, either. 

They'll just look at you with confusion in their eyes, thinking... I have no fuggin idea what the hell you are talking about.  And they'll pretty much accept your explanation because of the probability that you appear to have gone balls to the wall crazy.

Whatever works, y'all.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'll Be Your Friend, Even If You're An Ass

You ever have one of those days when you reevaluate some of your relationships?  Yeah.  Me, too.  Like yesterday, when I got these responses on my Facebook page, after posting that I was meeting my friend, Deb, for dinner....

Sally Araujo Costa:  Out for a "very healthy" dinner with Deborah D! *snicker*

Jennifer C:   Liar...

Marc D:   I'll be at home...writing my national column...have fun...bitches.

Heather L:   What he said...except I won't be writing my national column...bitches!

Theo S: dessert,

Jennifer C:  Yeah, get fat, bitches!

Heather L:   Oh, SNAP! Lol

Sally Araujo Costa:     Bite me, you assclowns.

Ladies and gentlemen?  It's not what you think.  You see...THESE?  These are my peeps.

I get them and they get me. 

Clearly, I need to work on raising my standards a little.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

For Every Action, There Is An Equal And Opposite Weird Fuggin Answer

Last night, Hubs and I stopped at a liquor store on our way home, to buy a lottery ticket, BECAUSE last night's Powerball jackpot was a little over $220,000,000.  That's TWO HUNDRED TWENTY MILLION MOTHER FRACKING CLAMS.  Yee ha!

This morning, as Hubs was sleepily helping me make our bed, I said to him:

MeI don't even know why we're making the damn bed.


MeWe probably won the lottery, so there's no reason why we should even be up, yet.


MeNo, seriously. WHAT would you do if you found out RIGHT NOW that we REALLY AND TRULY won two hundred twenty million dollars last night?  Really...WHAT WOULD YOU DO RIGHT NOW?

HubsI would shit on the floor.


HubsI don't have to go to the bathroom or anything, but I'd probably be so nervous that I would just shit right here, on the floor.

MeYou just won ALL OF THAT MONEY and the first thing you would do is SHIT on the floor?

HubsThat's right.

MeDude.  Millionaires don't go around crapping their pants.

HubsI would take my pants off, first.

MeWell, that makes me feel soooooo much better.  You'd take your pants off BEFORE taking a mad dump on the carpet .

HubsI'm a millionaire.  I'll buy new carpet.

MeHow about you just run to THE CANIt's only a few feet away.

HubsI'm just being honest.

Me:  *shaking my head*  You're a freak.

HubsYou love me.



*We didn't win.
*He didn't drop a deuce on the carpet. 
*He is weird.

Monday, August 8, 2011

My Birthday: The "Almost Smothered" Husband Edition

Since the last time I was here, I celebrated a birthday.  Bleh.

Here's the recap...

On my birthday, my husband woke me up at the ass crack of the morning and gave me this card:

Immediately, I started screaming, "Oh my God!  Oh my God!  Oh my God!  We're going to Vegas!  We're going to Vegas!  WE'RE GOING TO VEGASSSSSS!!!!!" 

And he was all, "Calm down.  We're not going to Vegas.  It's just a birthday card." 

And I was all, "Um.  Excuse me?  You just gave me the equivalent of a friggin airline ticket!" 

And he was all, "No, I didn't.  I gave you a BIRTHDAY CARD.  But, open it up!  It plays Danke-Schoen!" 

And I was all, "WHOOPEE DING DONGS, DUDE.  I want to go to Vegas." 

And he was all, "Too bad, so sad.  BUT, I got you this, too!" 

And he handed me a bag...

And I swear to Sweet Baby Hay-Zeus, this is what was in it...

I looked at my presents. 

I looked back at him. 

And I grinned...

Not because I was impressed buy his thoughtfulness...But, because I knew that if an awesomer birthday gift DID NOT present itself ?  THAT NIGHT, while he slept, I would (A) use said Silly Putty to block his breathing passages, render him unconscious, AND (B) use the Slinky to do this to him...

Don't fug with me at 6:00am on ANY DAY, let alone on my birthday, dude.  At that time of the morning?  I am perfectly capable of committing heinous acts of a stabbing nature.  Just sayin.

Lucky for him, just as I was tyring to remember where I'd left my sharpest samurai sword, he handed me a watch box.  Inside, was this little gem:

He was all,  "It's a Philip Stein watch.  Oprah gave them away on one of her shows!  And the best thing about it is...IT HAS NATURAL FREQUENCY TECHNOLOGY!  Wearing it will make you feel more relaxed!"

I replied, "Considering I was secretly pondering how to OFF your ass with Silly Putty and a Slinky, I should probably put it on right the hell now.  Good call."

He's still alive. 

And I'm still thirty-nine.  *cough, cough*

It's all good.