Monday, August 8, 2011

My Birthday: The "Almost Smothered" Husband Edition

Since the last time I was here, I celebrated a birthday.  Bleh.

Here's the recap...

On my birthday, my husband woke me up at the ass crack of the morning and gave me this card:

Immediately, I started screaming, "Oh my God!  Oh my God!  Oh my God!  We're going to Vegas!  We're going to Vegas!  WE'RE GOING TO VEGASSSSSS!!!!!" 

And he was all, "Calm down.  We're not going to Vegas.  It's just a birthday card." 

And I was all, "Um.  Excuse me?  You just gave me the equivalent of a friggin airline ticket!" 

And he was all, "No, I didn't.  I gave you a BIRTHDAY CARD.  But, open it up!  It plays Danke-Schoen!" 

And I was all, "WHOOPEE DING DONGS, DUDE.  I want to go to Vegas." 

And he was all, "Too bad, so sad.  BUT, I got you this, too!" 

And he handed me a bag...

And I swear to Sweet Baby Hay-Zeus, this is what was in it...

I looked at my presents. 

I looked back at him. 

And I grinned...

Not because I was impressed buy his thoughtfulness...But, because I knew that if an awesomer birthday gift DID NOT present itself ?  THAT NIGHT, while he slept, I would (A) use said Silly Putty to block his breathing passages, render him unconscious, AND (B) use the Slinky to do this to him...

Don't fug with me at 6:00am on ANY DAY, let alone on my birthday, dude.  At that time of the morning?  I am perfectly capable of committing heinous acts of a stabbing nature.  Just sayin.

Lucky for him, just as I was tyring to remember where I'd left my sharpest samurai sword, he handed me a watch box.  Inside, was this little gem:

He was all,  "It's a Philip Stein watch.  Oprah gave them away on one of her shows!  And the best thing about it is...IT HAS NATURAL FREQUENCY TECHNOLOGY!  Wearing it will make you feel more relaxed!"

I replied, "Considering I was secretly pondering how to OFF your ass with Silly Putty and a Slinky, I should probably put it on right the hell now.  Good call."

He's still alive. 

And I'm still thirty-nine.  *cough, cough*

It's all good.


Anonymous said...

I still think you should get a trip to Vegas!

And bring Lou!

MB said...

Happy 39th! Hubby is lucky to have survived. I still think you should get to celebrate in Vegas. If you go for Thanksgiving I'll buy you a belated birthday cocktail. I just booked my first trip there to celebrate B's 50th.