Monday, October 24, 2011

Back In The Saddle...Again


This morning, I rolled out of bed with all of the enthusiasm of a woman who's on her way to her yearly pap smear.

I have no real reason for my attitude problem, except for the fact that it's Monday....and it's friggin cold (I hate you, Old Man Winter!)....and I just filled my heating oil tank to the tune of eight hundred and fifty friggin bucks.

I KNOW!!! Can you even believe that shit?!

Anywho, this morning--after dragging my ass out of bed, taking a shower, doing my hair, applying my makeup, and getting dressed, I sat down at the kitchen island to have my anti-stab medication (coffee).  Suddenly, Mr. Happy Pants (Hubs, of course) waltzed into the room....and he looked at me.

Then, he opened his mouth---as if he wanted to say something, closed it, and walked away. 

THEN he came back into the room, looked at me again, opened his mouth, closed it, and looked at me again---this time, tilting his head to the side.

Being the super positive person that I am every morning (shut up), I finally asked, "WHAT?!  What are you looking at?!" 

"Um.  Nothing...nothing..." he replied.  He continued, "Um...I was just wondering why you're crying."

"Huh?"   I questioned.  "I'm not crying.  What are you talking about?!"

"OH.  UH.  Nothing.  If you don't want to tell me why you're crying, you don't have to.  I was just wondering what was wrong...but you don't have to tell me...unless you want to tell me and then you can tell me."  He stammered.

Okay.  Let me just reiterate for y'all.  I WAS NOT CRYING. 

But, I was annoyed...mainly because (A) I had no friggin idea what the crap he was talking about and (B) my anti-stab medication (coffee) had not kicked in, yet.

Finally, I said, "Dude!  I am NOT crying!  What the hell?!  Why do you keep insisting that I'm crying?!  If I was crying, YOU'D KNOW ABOUT IT, HOMEY!"

"Well, WHY ARE YOUR EYES ALL RED, THEN?  Huh?  Answer that question, CRAZY EYES!"  He replied.

Completely annoyed, I replied,  "You don't even know what the hell you're talking about!" 

AND I went into the bathroom to look at myself.

Dudes?

He totally knew what he was talking about.

APPARENTLY, what happened was---this morning when I put my makeup on...UM...WHILE LOOKING IN A MIRROR (seriously)....I accidentally lined my eyes with my red lipliner INSTEAD of my dark brown eyeliner. 

I looked like a Portuguese version of Courtney Love after a long night of hard ass partying, y'all. 

My God.  I am so awesome. 

No wonder you've missed me.

5 comments:

Kimberley said...

You are SO awesome! LOL!

Anna said...

That's hilarious!! And I feel your pain on the heating oil. We ended up putting a wood stove in the basement (because I refused to have the ugliness in the living room). It's made a world of difference. We hardly ever buy oil anymore.

Kyle Gershman said...

And without a demonstrative picture of said makeup foxpaws? Fo shame-izzle...or something.

Hanlie said...

I missed your particular brand of crazy, girlfriend! Welcome back!

kindred spirit said...

It is 1:02 am in my world, and i am laughing out loud uncontrollably.


HIGH FIVE HIGH FIVE!!!!