Wednesday night, Hubs and I went to our friend, Linda's book signing, at a local wine bistro (and yummy restaurant). When we got there, we noticed that virtually every table was taken, so we moseyed on up to the bar, where we contemplated having dinner. Upon further observation, Hubs spotted a nice table for two and told me to wait at the bar while he asked our favorite waitress, Ashley, if said table was free for the taking.
Two seconds after Hubs walked away, and I am LITERALLY talking TWO SECONDS here, people---the man sitting at the bar to my left, tapped me on the arm.....
Crazy Man: Hi. I'm Jerry. I'm sixty-four years old and I was in the Navy for fourteen years. Are you single?
Crazy Man: Oh. *pause* Does that mean you don't want to dance?
Crazy Man: I was in the Navy for fourteen years!
Me: You already said that.
Crazy Man: I was discharged because I got hurt.
Me: Head injury?
Crazy Man: No. A plane was landing and I was guiding it in. It came too close to me and the wing sliced open my stomach.
Me: You were hit by a moving airplane?
Crazy Man: Yep.
Me: Yeah, right.
Crazy Man: I'm not lying.
Me: Do you have a scar?
Crazy Man: No.
Me: IF YOU WERE STABBED BY AN AIRPLANE, YOU'D HAVE A SCAR OR YOU'D BE DEAD.
Crazy Man: Oh....*pause* I didn't notice your wedding ring until just now.
Me: You'll probably notice my husband's when he punches you in the face.
Crazy Man: WOW! Hmmm....So, ONCE I played the harmonica on stage during TWO Janis Joplin concerts.
Crazy Man: Yeah! And I gave Janis Joplin a ride to her next gig! AND I gave her a dime--because she had like NO MONEY on her--so, I gave her a dime to make a phonecall!
Me: Do you have evidence of this?
Crazy Man: What do you mean?
Me: Do you have a picture of you and Janis Joplin together?
Crazy Man: No. But, I wish I did.
Me: Uh-huh. *pause* Elvis is my real dad.
Crazy Man: Huh?
Me: You heard me.
Crazy Man: I like you!
Me: Of course you do.
And there you go, peeps. I'm a forty-two year old woman who's still got it. And by IT, I'm referring to the ability to attract chubby, older dudes who waddle, wear orange t-shirts covered in food stains, and make shit up.
Who says beauty fades?