Friday, November 18, 2011

They Never Look Like Clooney :(

Wednesday night, Hubs and I went to our friend, Linda's book signing, at a local wine bistro (and yummy restaurant).  When we got there, we noticed that virtually every table was taken, so we moseyed on up to the bar, where we contemplated having dinner.  Upon further observation, Hubs spotted a nice table for two and told me to wait at the bar while he asked our favorite waitress, Ashley, if said table was free for the taking.

Two seconds after Hubs walked away, and I am LITERALLY talking TWO SECONDS here, people---the man sitting at the bar to my left, tapped me on the arm.....

Crazy ManHi.  I'm Jerry.  I'm sixty-four years old and I was in the Navy for fourteen years.  Are you single?

Me:   No.

Crazy ManOh.  *pause*  Does that mean you don't want to dance?

MeCorrect.

Crazy ManI was in the Navy for fourteen years!

MeYou already said that.

Crazy ManI was discharged because I got hurt.

MeHead injury?

Crazy Man:    No.  A plane was landing and I was guiding it in.  It came too close to me and the wing sliced open my stomach.

MeYou were hit by a moving airplane?

Crazy ManYep.

MeYeah, right.

Crazy Man:   I'm not lying.

MeDo you have a scar?

Crazy ManNo.

Me:  IF YOU WERE STABBED BY AN AIRPLANE, YOU'D HAVE A SCAR OR YOU'D BE DEAD. 

Crazy ManOh....*pause*   I didn't notice your wedding ring until just now.

Me:  You'll probably notice my husband's when he punches you in the face.

Crazy Man:   WOW!   Hmmm....So, ONCE I played the harmonica on stage during TWO Janis Joplin concerts.

Me:   DEAR.JESUS.PLEASE.MAKE.HIM.STOP.TALKING.

Crazy ManYeah!  And I gave Janis Joplin a ride to her next gig!  AND I gave her a dime--because she had like NO MONEY on her--so, I gave her a dime to make a phonecall!

Me:   Do you have evidence of this?

Crazy ManWhat do you mean?

MeDo you have a picture of you and Janis Joplin together?

Crazy ManNo.  But, I wish I did.

MeUh-huh.  *pause*   Elvis is my real dad.

Crazy ManHuh?

MeYou heard me.

Crazy Man:   I like you!

MeOf course you do.



And there you go, peeps.  I'm a forty-two year old woman who's still got it.  And by IT, I'm referring to the ability to attract chubby, older dudes who waddle, wear orange t-shirts covered in food stains, and make shit up.

Who says beauty fades?

2 comments:

The Path Traveled said...

You crack me up! He couldnt take a hint and was really persistent...gotta give him that.

Kimberley said...

You should have given him Lou's number! LOL!