Thursday, March 31, 2011

Sally Einstein, Rocket Scientist

This morning, as I was rushing around trying to get ready for work, Karma paid me a visit. She's such a b*tch.

(Click here to read the correlation.)

I was RIGHT in the middle of making my breakfast, packing my lunch, putting my sneakers on, throwing paperwork in my briefcase, and drying my hair----when I heard, "POW! POW! POW! BOOM! BOOM! POW!"

Immediately, I stopped in my tracks and thought, "Shit. That can't be good."

And I was right.

Because, this morning, in the midst of my running around like a friggin fool?

I decided to make myself an egg...in the microwave....LIKE I'VE DONE A MILLION TIMES BEFORE. Except, this time? I forgot to cover the damn thing up while it was cooking. Behold my brilliance:



Yep. In all of my rushitude this morning (I believe I just invented a new word. You're welcome, Oxford English Dictionary), my actions caused egg guts to rain in my microwave.

I know.

I'm wicked smaht. (Work that Boston accent, People!)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Being My Sister Is Lucky Enough

A few minutes ago, I walked into my office (at work) from the production area (manufacturing), when I noticed that I had a message on my cell phone. It was from my sister, Natty.

And because you people are like family to me (I love some of you. Others? You annoy me the crap out of me. See? JUST LIKE REAL FAMILY!), I've decided to share her message with you. You can thank me later.....

Natty: Hi, Sal! I just want you to know that the number 2312 has been really lucky in the Daily Numbers game! YOU SHOULD PLAY IT! That's the number that used to belong to Armand. He WAS the maintenance man where I work...God rest his soul. He played it for 40 years and he used to win ALL THE TIME! And lately, it's been coming out A LOT. So, GO AND PLAY IT! Okay, Princess! BYE!!!!

So.

There you have it, people.

Apparently, I've just given you some winning lottery numbers, courtesy of my sister AND some dead guy.

If you win? I'll take ten percent.

If you lose? Email me and I'll give you my sister's address so you can drive by her house and egg her picture window.

Just kidding, Natty ;)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Denial Is Not Just A River In Egypt

Have you ever heard someone say that the best way to view the world is through the eyes of a child?

Good Lord.

At least in this case? I sure hope not.


You see...

Last week, I spent some time with an ADORABLE five year old girl. We danced to Lady Gaga tunes. We had a fun dinner together. We went to an arcade. And? We drew pictures of each other.

By the way, let me preface the next part of my story by saying that I thought I looked pretty freakin cute that day. But apparently? I'm living in denial, y'all. Because kids ARE REAL....and VERY TRUTHFUL...and THAT means that according to this picture?



My ass is waaayyyy bigger than I thought.

Oh, yeah...AND those pants I was wearing?

Apparently, they made me look like I had a wiener.

Lovely.

I think I need a stylist, y'all.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Skanks...They're Not Worth The Glance

Saturday night, Hubby and I were driving home together (he was driving), when I got the following text message from my friend, Linda:

Linda: Sally? Lou is being an *sshole! He has no class! Miss you.

I responded: You married him. Now, suck it up! Miss you, too.

She was not amused.

Last night, Hubs and I met Linda and Lou (Yes, THAT Lou) for dinner, and I got THE REAL SCOOP.

Apparently, on Saturday night---right before she sent me that text message---Linda and Lou were out having dinner together in a very nice, romantic restaurant. Linda was talking to Lou, when she noticed that his attention was focused on something BEHIND her.

She turned around to see what he was looking at and she saw FOUR HOOCHIE MAMAS, with their bazongas hanging out, walking into the restaurant.

For a slight second, Linda was a little perturbed. There she was, in the midst of a lovely, romantic dinner---with her husband, when he ALLEGEDLY ogled some skanks (He's making me say ALLEGEDLY because he denies these actions but I think he's FULL OF CRAP).

Anywho, in a brief instant of insecurity, Linda turned to Lou, commanding his full attention, and asked, "Louie? Do you think I'm beautiful?"

And Lou, in all of his BONEHEAD GLORY, responded **GET THIS, PEOPLE** He responded, "Yes. You are beautiful FOR YOUR AGE."

WHAT THE WHAT?

FOR YOUR AGE? Really?!!!

DUDES? Is it me? Or did that answer totally deserved a size ten shoe to the nads?

(FYI? He was absolutely SERIOUS and thought that THAT was a good answer!)

So last night, at dinner---that's all we talked about. We analyzed Lou's cluelessness, while he kept trying to defend himself (Give it up, Loser).

Finally at my breaking point, I was like, "That's it! We need an objective opinion on your lameness!"

So, I decided to involve our waiter.

I called him over and asked, "Dan? Are you married?"

He responded, "Yes."

Then I asked him, "Let's just say that one day, out of the blue, your wife asked you if you thought she was beautiful. What would you say to her?"

He quickly responded (Seriously. He didn't even hesitate for a second!), "I would say...Yes. You are beautiful...always and forever."

Then he continued, "I'm no fool."

Well, alrighty then.

For those of you keeping score?

That's:

Dan the Waiter: 1
Bonehead Lou: 0

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Security Is Priceless

Today, at work....

Delivery Man: Wow! Don't you look really nice today?!

Me: Oh...Um...Thanks.

Delivery Man: Yeah. That's a nice outfit!

Me: (a little creeped out) Thank you.

Delivery Man leaves.

Me: (to Hubby) Did you hear that guy? He said I look really nice today.

Hubby: Oh, yeah?

Me: Yeah. But he said it in a creepy, pervy kind of way.

Hubby: (not really paying attention) Hmmmm.

Me: By the way, that's the same guy who asked me how long you and I have been married.

Hubby: (still not paying much attention) Oh, yeah?

Me: Yep. And that same day? He asked me if I was happy.

Hubby: No kidding?

Me: Yep. Are you jealous?

Hubby: Nope.

Me: Not even a little?

Hubby: Nope.

Me: Why not?

Hubby: Because he can't afford you.

Me: Good point, Dude.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Your Mother Would Be So Proud

Oh boy.

I've got a good one for you today, my friends.

If, by chance, you are reading this while you are eating, let me warn you to brace yourself. It's not going to be pretty.

Remember the post that I wrote about the DISGUSTING grill (CLICK HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT) that I saw in a customer's lunchroom not that long ago?

Yeah, well I had to go back there last week.

And, because I am a Nosey VonNoseman---or an instigator...whatever you want to call me (you say tomato I say tomahto)...I put my hazmat suit on and went into their lunchroom to do some "undercover" investigating. Hmmm...I suddenly feel like Lisa Ling.

Prepare to puke, y'all.

So tell me. How would you feel about storing your tuna salad sandwich inside of this here beautius REFRIGERATOR?! Huh?





Or toasting your morning bagel in this...um...extremely PRIMED toaster over?!





And last, but not least? How'd you like to warm up your big, steaming bowl of chicken soup in this drippy ass microwave?





Yeah. Me neither. I'd rather chew my arm off.

Plus, in addition to the wretched conditions of these bogus appliances, let me proclaim that "Houston? They have a problem!" Because if they didn't? They wouldn't have to bait the friggin critters!

Seriously, dudes. It's all fun and games until big, fat rodents start nibbling at your ankles while you're having lunch. Yikes!



All I can say is, thank GOD they don't work with me...because can you even imagine, for just one minute, what their toilet must look like? Blech. I'd rather pee behind a tree, y'all. For real.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Three Cheers For Pants!

I am super busy at work today and was actually going to postpone blogging for another day because I have soooooo much crap hanging over my head right now. But then? Something ridiculous happened.

For those of you that don't already know this, Hubs and I work together. We own a small company that's based in Massachusetts.

When I tell people that we work together, I get one of two reactions. It's either, "That's great! Good for you! After all, you both share a common goal!"

Or I get, "YOU WORK TOGETHER?! LIKE EVERYDAY?! AND THEN YOU GO HOME TOGETHER?!!! I COULD NEVER WORK WITH MY HUSBAND/WIFE! HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU NOT STABBED EACH OTHER TO DEATH?"

In response to these reactions, I plead the fifth. I'm not giving those damn life insurance people any ammunition if I can help it, dudes.

The thing about us working together is that my husband is SUPER unique. He keeps things...um...interesting. Yeah. That's putting it mildly.

Take today, for instance.

It is 38 degrees outside and we just had a large job delivered, which required Hubs to use the forklift to unload it in order to bring it into the building.

Did I mention that IT'S 38 FRIGGIN DEGREES OUTSIDE? Yeah, well....

Behold the brilliance:


On the flip side? I'm trying to be one of those people who focuses on the positive. That being said, I am absolutely grateful that he was wearing his pants.

Way to keep it in your shorts, Buddy.