Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bite Me...Or You, Actually.

Maybe it's just me....

But when I'm at work, feeling stressed out and under pressure...and the phone is ringing nonstop...and people are making ridiculous demands...and I'm racing against the clock to get certain things done...and I have a cold that would choke a friggin horse...and I'm thinking about the sh*tload of laundry that I have to do when I get home...and I also have to stop by the pharmacy AGAIN to pick up ANOTHER prescription that will SUPPOSEDLY dry up the snot that is clogging up my head...and I just want to lie down on the floor with a blankie and a pillow...and, OH CRAP! Tonight, I'll have to cook dinner at 8:00pm because that's what time I'll probably get home after this long ass day...

AND SUDDENLY, I GET A TEXT MESSAGE FROM MY FRIEND--WHO'S VACATIONING IN CANCUN--THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS AND SAYS, "IT'S HAPPY HOUR!!!!"


Yeah...I just might fantasize (briefly) about said friend getting bit in the nuggets by a shark.

Like I said before....maybe it's just me...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Step 1: Admit That You Have A Problem

This is how ridiculously obsessed with chocolate that I am.

Last week, I went to Lou's house to help him with some computer issue that he was having. While I was sitting at his desk, I looked down at his mouse pad and said, "Ooooh! What a great mouse pad! Chocolate mousse and a cookie! YUM!"

Lou looked at me like I was batsh*t crazy. He was all, "What the Hell are you talking about?"

I replied, "Duh? Hello? I'm taking about the picture on your mouse pad. Mmmm....It looks yummy!"

He responded, "DUH! HELLO?! That's not a picture of chocolate mousse and a cookie! It's a picture of SAND and a ROCK!"

CRAP. I guess it is...



Look for me on the next episode of INTERVENTION, y'all.

Monday, April 25, 2011

You Got To Know When To Fold Em'

Good morning, my friends! Happy Monday!

I know, I know. I've been MIA for quite awhile. Blame it on (A) my regular job, which pulls me in a million different directions and (B) a wretched cold that I've had for 9 friggin days. I don't know why the HELL it's taking me so long to fight this flippin thing! But, after a week and a half of this bologna, I still have a head full of snot and sound like a barking German Shepard when I cough.

I am all kinds of sexy!

Anywho, so during my blogging hiatus, lots of interesting things happened! And one of those things is...*DRUM ROLL PLEASE*...

I let my husband be RIGHT!

ONCE.

Yep, you heard me. Check it:

Last week, Hubs and I went out for breakfast. And he ordered a strawberry waffle (with whipped cream, of course) that was bigger than his head:



It was so freakin humongous, that when the waitress placed it on the table, we both gasped. I was all like...

Me: Dude. You can't possibly eat that whole thing!

Hubs: Just watch me.

Me: Fine. Whatever. But you'd better not puke in my car is all I'm saying.

Hubs: Don't worry about me! I can handle it.

Me: Uh-huh. I've heard that sh*t before.

****FAST FORWARD TWENTY MINUTES****

Me: Holy crap! I can't believe you ate that whole thing!

Hubs: And it was DEEEEELICIOUS!

****FAST FORWARD ANOTHER TWENTY MINUTES****

Me: Dude. Put your seat belt on.

Hubs: I can't.

Me: Why not?

Hubs: My stomach hurts.

Me: Really? (Ooooh! I wanted to say I TOLD YOU SO so frickin bad! But I refrained because I am the best wife EVER...Shut up.)

Hubs: UGH. I think I ate too much.

Me: No kidding?

Hubs: (moaning) UGH. I AM SOOOOOOOO FULL.

Me: Really?

Hubs: Yeah. My stomach hurts. Ugggghhhhhhh......

Me: Dude? Why didn't you just eat half?

Hubs: Ugggggghhhhhh.....BECAUSE.

Me: Because WHY?

Hubs: BECAUSE I AM A SAVAGE PIG (His exact words, people).

Me: Oh. Okay. No more questions your honor.

Hehehe. Who was I to argue?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Ode To My Coconut Bra

There's this walking/running track near my house that I exercise on. It's about 1/3 of a mile around. I used to walk around it at a pretty quick pace. But, now? I can run it. And I'm not talking once around or anything, y'all. I can actually run around it 6 times (more to come) without going home to Jesus.

For those of you who are runners, you might think that running two miles is no big deal. But, to me, it's huge, y'all.

Because, a few months ago?

I used to try to run around this same track. And after one time around, I'd be all out of breath...huffing and puffing for dear life.

I didn't like that feeling...AT ALL.

As a matter of fact, I thought it totally sucked ass.

I remember being all, "Fug this sh*t! Walking is waaaay easier and it beats doing nothing! So, that's what I'm going to do!"

But then?

I met personal trainer, Amy Jones...DUN.DUN.DUN. *insert dramatic music here*

(CLICK HERE TO READ ALL ABOUT HOW SHE BEAT THE EVERLOVIN CRAP OUT OF ME)

For several weeks, Amy kicked my ass in training sessions that seriously pushed me to my limits...

I ran up and down stairs.

I used weights.

I did a wretched amount of push ups and abdominal work.

AND I walked around feeling sore (which she was THRILLED about), many times contemplating if her workouts caused my body parts to be pulled out of their sockets (She says NO, but I think she broke my guts once).

When I exercised under Amy's watch, I would say things like, "I can't do it anymore! It hurts! I think you're trying to kill me!"

And she would respond, "If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already! Burning is good! YES, YOU CAN! You need to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable!"

And you know what? She was right. (Damn it...Don't tell her. I don't want her to get a big head).

Because NOW? Every time I run around that freakin track near my house, I am still a little uncomfortable. I am still breathing hard. I am still sweating like a pig. I am still running around, wondering IF I CAN do it and why I really want to.

But then? I think about Amy...and I finish ONE MORE LAP.....and think to myself, "If I could do it for her, I can do it for myself! Keep running!"

So, I guess what I'm saying here is that I learned a lot from Ms. Jones.

I learned that the more you exercise, the better you feel (even if you're uncomfortable in the moment)...and it will not kill you.

I learned that the harder you push yourself physically, the better your endurance will be (it does get easier).

I learned that you have to make time to exercise, in the same way that you make time for everything else you do. I used to train with her after work. But, then my work schedule changed.

So now, you can find me at the track in the morning before I go to work. And let me tell you something. THAT is a big feat for me, people. Because I am sooooo NOT a morning person. Seriously. I want to STAB people who even look at me before 9:00am (If you see me on the track in the morning, consider yourself warned). But, it's what I have to do.

In closing, I don't want this post to be one sided.

So, on the other end of my training spectrum, I'd like to share with you what Amy Jones took away from our training experience together. Hehehe.

Dudes! She totally got a new nickname! I'm serious, people.

You see...

During my weeks of training, my friends on Facebook would often ask me, "How's the exercise thing going?" And I...UM...may have inadvertently responded something like, "It's going. But, that Amy Jones is THE ASS NAZI!"

All of a sudden? BAM. She became known as Amy Jones, Personal Trainer Extraordinaire & Ass Nazi.

You're welcome, Amy Jones.

The other thing that Amy got as a result of our time together?

Well, NOW she's pretty much stuck with a smartass Facebook friend (unless she unfriends my shrinking ass). Let me illustrate....

Last week, Amy posted a picture, on my Facebook wall, of her stepping on my rump during one of my workouts with her. I remember the day she took that photo, like it was yesterday.

I was in the midst of dropping dead, while doing push ups, and she was all, "BUTT DOWN!" And I was all, "MY BUTT IS DOWN! MY BUTT CHEEKS ARE JUST BIG!" Geez....



Anyway, in response to the above photo on my Facebook wall, I posted this picture on her wall:


Hehehe. Get it? Buffalo wings on a personal trainer's Facebook page?! Hahaha. That's funny sh*t, right?!

Hmmmm...I'm planning on returning to Amy's kickboxing classes soon...where retaliation, in the form of serious ass whippings, will surely commence.

Crap. I probably shouldn't have done that.