Monday, October 31, 2011

Booyah, Yuh Glutton.

Happy Halloween!!!!!!

Last night, Hubby requested that we go to one of his favorite Italian restaurants for dinner. 

Even though I've been trying to curb the whole eating out thing lately (because I want to lose weight / avoid food temptations /stop my ass cheeks from dragging on the ground), I agreed to go.  I figured it would be a good test for me because I seriously need to learn how to make better food choices when I'm in social situations.

Before we left, I purposefully explained to the Husband that even though we were going out to enjoy a nice dinner, I was not going to sabotage my weight loss efforts and all of the damn exercise that I sweat my funbags off doing this week.  I was not going to indulge in any appetizers, dessert, or alcoholic beverages and I would appreciate it if he would support me in my efforts.

"That's fine.  Whatever you want...no problem at all." he said.

Cool.  This will be a lovely way to end our weekend, I thought. 

So, we got to the restaurant and sat at a lovely corner table for two.  Immediately, the waitress came over and we ordered
drinks--a glass of red wine for Hubs and some carbonated water with lime for me.  THEN, the waitress brought over a loaf of bread (A WHOLE FUGGIN LOAF) with some dipping oil, which I pushed away and the Husband proceeded to devour. 

Whatever, dude.  I can handle this.

In conjunction with the olive oil / bread blotter combo, the Husband also ate a Caesar salad.  Then, he had two pan seared/breaded/lubed up in God knows what chicken breasts, a pile of pasta drenched in pesto sauce, another glass of red wine, followed by a GLASS OF MILK, and a white chocolate-hazelnut tartufo (white chocolate gelato, rolled in nuts, covered in whipped cream, dusted with cocoa powder).

Muthafugga.  I.Can.Handle.This.

While I watched him eat, I drank water, more water, and even more water.  Then, I ate some spinach pasta (about a cup and a half) with four shrimp in a spicy tomato sauce.  No cheese.  No bread.  No wine.  No gelato.  No bullshit.

I think I handled myself pretty well and I was proud of the fact that I didn't misstep and sabotage myself. 

However, truth be told?

I kinda wanted to give my husband rabbit punches to the back of the head because he was lounging and savoring and taking FOREVER and a freakin day to eat all of that crap. 

When we FINALLY got home, Hubs was tired (No shit!  He was in a carb coma!)  He took a shower and went to bed.

I stayed up and read for awhile.  Then, I went to bed at 10:30...and I slept like a baby.

This morning, I awakened to the Husband...yelling profanities from the bathroom.

Hubs:  What the f*&%?!  Holy f%$#^&* shit!

Me:  What's the matter?  

Hubs:  I'll tell you what's the matter!  I'm THREE pounds heavier today than I was yesterday!

Me:  (hiding under the blankets)  Hehehehehehe....Um..And you're surprised, WHY?

Hubs:  Sal?  Seriously?  Three pounds in ONE day?!  That's horrible!  AND I slept like TOTAL SHIT last night.  I was up at TWO O'CLOCK in the morning with the worst heartburn ever!

Me:  (hiding under the blankets)  Hehehehehehe....Wow!  *snicker, snicker* That's terrible!  I slept reaaaaallyyyy great!  Like a baby!  I feel refreshed!  Ready to take on the world!

Hubs:  *blank stare*  You're going to write about this on your blog, aren't you?

Me:  Nope.




Thursday, October 27, 2011

Can You Tell Me What Aisle The Eardrops Are In?

The Scene:  Last night, picking up a prescription for my Mom at a local pharmacy (HINT:  It's in a store where people are known to wear their pajamas / thongs / mullets in public): 


Snarky Cashier:  Can I help you?

Me:  Yes.  I'm picking up a prescription for my Mother.

Snarky Cashier:  NAME?

Me:  Sophia Petrillo (her alias)

Snarky Cashier:  DATE OF BIRTH?

Me:  May second, nineteen thirty-one.

Snarky Cashier:  HOLD ON...(walks to the rear of the pharmacy...returns two minutes later)  IS THIS PRESCRIPTION FOR YOU?

Me:  Wha?

Snarky Cashier:  IS THIS PRESCRIPTION FOR YOU?!  HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN THIS MEDICATION BEFORE?

Me:  Seriously?!

Snarky Cashier:   *rolling her eyes*  YEAH.  SERIOUSLY.  IS THISSSS PRESCRIPTIONNNN FOR YOU?? 

Me:  First of all, calm down and lower your voice.  I'm not deaf!  Second, WHAT PART OF "I'm here to pick up a prescription  for my Mother who was born in NINETEEN THIRTY-ONE" didn't you understand? 

Snarky Cashier:  *insert dirty look*  TEN DOLLARS.

Me:  *insert death glare*  You're welcome.


And I walked away, glaring silently and thinking, I hope that I'm reincarnated as toothpaste so I never have to see that b*tch again.  Seriously.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Making Money! Now, That's Exciting!

This is a real photo from an ebay ad: 


The dude in the picture is advertising his paintball gun for sale. 

He's also advertising something else.

Somebody get him an ice pack.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

It Is What It Is

In an effort to boost my weight loss efforts, I've been reading a lot about incorporating positive affirmations into my daily life.  Apparently, if you believe in the Law of Attraction, projecting positive thoughts into the universe AND believing them, will get you what you want.

To take this theory a step further, I've decided to TRY to rid myself of limiting beliefs and replace them with positive ones. 

Dudes?  This shit is hard.  But, I think I've got it down.  Let me give you an example....

This morning, as I was attempting to run at the town track, I was thinking, "Man, this is so hard.  This sucks dog crap through a straw.  I hate this.  I'm sweating like a hog." 

And then, I caught myself being all negative. 

So, I tried to turn those limiting thoughts into positive ones.  And as I ran, and sweat, and huffed and puffed like Fatty McGee---I changed my thought process and kept repeating things like, "This is AMAZING!  This is FUN!  My butt cheeks are going to look so awesome when they're not dragging on the floor!"

Are you buying it?  Nah.  Me neither.  What a load of poo. 

I think I'll just conclude that even though I will never love to exercise (NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!), I'll have to muddle through and  just do it (You Nike people are so friggin brilliant).

I will, however, go out of my way to do things that will make my home environment more conducive to healthy living and weight loss. 

Like what, you ask? 

Well, I've filled my refrigerator with good foods like fruits, vegetables, and healthy snacks....

AND I got rid of any trigger foods (also known as "red light" foods) that I had in the house, like this stash of rum cake:


(Do us both a favor and DON'T ask me where it went.  Denial is more than just a river in Egypt, y'all.)

Second, I've decided that I am one of those people who NEEDS to weigh myself at home at least once a week.  It kind of helps me gauge where I'm at and keep me in control.  To make this process more hackable, I've transformed my ugly ass, menacing, bathroom scale from this:

To this:


Now, when I weigh in?  My formerly menacing hospital scale greets me with a happy, friendly smile!  AND when it gives me what I consider to be the WRONG answer, I can PUNCH IT IN THE FACE. 

Yeah.  I'd say I've got this positive thinking shit down pat.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Back In The Saddle...Again


This morning, I rolled out of bed with all of the enthusiasm of a woman who's on her way to her yearly pap smear.

I have no real reason for my attitude problem, except for the fact that it's Monday....and it's friggin cold (I hate you, Old Man Winter!)....and I just filled my heating oil tank to the tune of eight hundred and fifty friggin bucks.

I KNOW!!! Can you even believe that shit?!

Anywho, this morning--after dragging my ass out of bed, taking a shower, doing my hair, applying my makeup, and getting dressed, I sat down at the kitchen island to have my anti-stab medication (coffee).  Suddenly, Mr. Happy Pants (Hubs, of course) waltzed into the room....and he looked at me.

Then, he opened his mouth---as if he wanted to say something, closed it, and walked away. 

THEN he came back into the room, looked at me again, opened his mouth, closed it, and looked at me again---this time, tilting his head to the side.

Being the super positive person that I am every morning (shut up), I finally asked, "WHAT?!  What are you looking at?!" 

"Um.  Nothing...nothing..." he replied.  He continued, "Um...I was just wondering why you're crying."

"Huh?"   I questioned.  "I'm not crying.  What are you talking about?!"

"OH.  UH.  Nothing.  If you don't want to tell me why you're crying, you don't have to.  I was just wondering what was wrong...but you don't have to tell me...unless you want to tell me and then you can tell me."  He stammered.

Okay.  Let me just reiterate for y'all.  I WAS NOT CRYING. 

But, I was annoyed...mainly because (A) I had no friggin idea what the crap he was talking about and (B) my anti-stab medication (coffee) had not kicked in, yet.

Finally, I said, "Dude!  I am NOT crying!  What the hell?!  Why do you keep insisting that I'm crying?!  If I was crying, YOU'D KNOW ABOUT IT, HOMEY!"

"Well, WHY ARE YOUR EYES ALL RED, THEN?  Huh?  Answer that question, CRAZY EYES!"  He replied.

Completely annoyed, I replied,  "You don't even know what the hell you're talking about!" 

AND I went into the bathroom to look at myself.

Dudes?

He totally knew what he was talking about.

APPARENTLY, what happened was---this morning when I put my makeup on...UM...WHILE LOOKING IN A MIRROR (seriously)....I accidentally lined my eyes with my red lipliner INSTEAD of my dark brown eyeliner. 

I looked like a Portuguese version of Courtney Love after a long night of hard ass partying, y'all. 

My God.  I am so awesome. 

No wonder you've missed me.