Monday, January 9, 2012

"We Are Family. I Got All My Sisters With Me."---Sister Sledge, 1979

Happy New Year, Peeps! 

I'm officially back from my self-imposed hiatus (I'm like a poor version of Oprah!) and I'm ready to enthrall you, once again, with the details of my fascinating life (FYI---If you really think I'm fascinating, you need to get your ass out of the house more). 

Let me start with the answer to a question that I've been asked a bajillion times in the last couple of weeks.  What are my New Year's resolutions? 

In a nutshell, I have none

I never make any because I am smart enough to realize that the transition from December 31st to January 1st, does not make me a different person.  Just because the year ends one day and a new year begins the next day, that doesn't mean that I've suddenly become this profoundly changed person who will choose carrots over chocolateNot gonna happen, people.

That being said, I consider myself to be on a constant quest for peace and balance in my life (Oh, yeah...and a smaller ass).  This year, I'm sure that some days will be great.  But, I also know that some days will have me contemplating the stabation of several people in my life (Hey, Oxford English Dictionary!  I think I just invented a word!).  I do know that whatever happens this year, I'm taking you all for the ride.  You lucky, lucky bastards....

So, I'd like to kick my blogging year off by telling you a heartwarming story about my family---mainly, it's about me and my two eldest sisters.  After all, when you get to know my family, you will understand how they've helped to shape me into the person that I am today today.  Yeah.  Blame them.

Now, sit down, relax, and get your tissues ready.  I said, "heartwarming."  Remember?

Okay, so a few months ago, my sister--J, underwent a very serious surgical procedure to basically repair her guts or some shit.  I know that the surgery involved her bladder, intestines, colon, a net, some mesh thingy, tubes, blood, miscellaneous body fluids, saws, sharp blades, staples, and what my sister affectionately referred to as her piss bag.  Descriptively, that's the best I can do to explain it without barfing my multi-grain English muffin all over my keyboard. 

J's surgery took place in Boston, at one of the best hospitals in the country.  I knew she was in very good hands, but I still worried about her because (A) She's my sister and I love her, (B) She is diabetic, and (C) This was the third friggin time, in a short span, that she was having surgery to correct some major health problems. 

Thankfully, her surgery went well and within a few days, she was home recuperating. 

I spoke to her often, but waited a week before I went to see her at her house because I knew that she needed to rest. 

Finally, one day after work, I told her that I was coming to see her and I asked if someone would be there to let me in because I didn't want her wobbling around unnecessarily and shaking up her newly realigned guts.  She told me to come, and that her husband would be there to let me in.

When I got there, J had lots of company. 

Her husband was there.  Two of her husband's sisters were there.  My sister-in-law, F, was there.  And my sister, G, was there.  Together, we sat with J, in her living room and we talked.  She looked good.  She looked healthy.  She looked relieved that her surgery was over.

A few minutes into the conversation, my brother in-law's two sisters (they are in their 50's) started talking about how they sometimes pee their pants

I shit you not. 

They said that when they laugh a lot, they pee their effin pants

THEN they said that if they wait too long to go to the bathroom after getting the urge to go wee wee, they pee their flippin pants

THEN they said that sometimes when they sneeze or cough, they pee their everlovin freakin pants

The next thing you know, my sister-in-law chimes in and says, "Oh, yes!  That's very common.  It happens to a lot of women as they get older. That's why they sell Depends!"

Dudes.  I sat there in fuggin disbelief. 

I mean, I expected my sister, who just had surgery on and around her pee pee area to have to retrain her bladder and shit.  But, NO ONE told ME---THE WOMAN who still hasn't gotten over the fact that I'm in my effin FORTIES---that I should expect a time to come when I will be peeing my frickin pants eveytime I blow snot! 

WTF is this crap? 

So this means that in my future, I can look forward to hot flashes, growing a beard, and peeing my effin pants?! 


I sat there wide eyed...looking for some comfort...looking for someone to tell me that these were all lies!  Suddenly, I looked at my sister, G, who sat to my right.  I noticed that she wasn't chiming in.  In fact, she was being super quiet. 

Because she is my big sister, who is supposed to be there for me, comfort me, reassure me, and give me advice when I need her to, I looked at her with pleading eyes and frantically asked, "Hey?  Is this bullshit true?  Please tell me that THIS ISN'T TRUE!  Am I destined for adult diapers?  After a certain age, do all women pee their pants?   DO YOU PEE YOUR PANTS, TOO?!"

Without all of the compassion that a big sister should muster, she looked me in the eye, and said, "No!  And don't jinx me, you b*tch."  Hehehehehe....

My family.

They are a window to my soul....and clearly one of the reasons why I'm so awesome....or not. 


Kyle Gershman said...

Someone hand me a multi-grain english muffin...I need to barf.

Oh yeah...welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Once again, laughed out loud. It was the line about growing a beard that got me!
-Erin P.