Monday, June 4, 2012

50 Shades of TMI

When I was a little girl, pretty much all I ever wanted to do was hang around with my big sister, Natty (She's ten years older than me).  As you can imagine, when I was four and she was fourteen, Natty wasn't at all interested  in being my BFF because she was a teenager and I was a lame ass preschooler.

Clearly, she didn't recognize my supreme awesomeness.

To give you some background into my childhood and my somewhat forced relationship with Natty, let me give you a little insight into my past. 

I was the ninth child (and last) born to my parents via immaculate conception (My parents never had sex because that would be gross.  So, shut the hell up).  When I was two, my parents separated and my Mom was basically left holding the bag as a single parent.

Because my Mom was pulled in a quadrillion different directions on a daily basis, many times, she designated Natty to help with my care giving---mainly because she was the next closest female sibling in age to me.

That meant that on many nights, Natty had to oversee my bath time, make sure I ate my dinner, and see to it that I went to sleep at an appropriate hour.

What ticked my sister off to no end, was the fact that no matter how much time we spent together, I never tired of being with her.  I loved her and wanted to be her best friend.  Awww....I know!  I was so fuggin precious :)

Being a self-centered, normal teenager, Natty did not appreciate my clinginess.

And during many of my bedtimes, she would HOVER over me, waiting for me to fall asleep so she could ditch me like a bad habit and go to her best friend, Vivian's house.  She would basically force me to sleep by positioning her face TWELVE INCHES FROM MINE and yelling---KEEP THOSE EYES SHUT--anytime I tried to open them.

Most of the time, I would lay there with my eyes tightly shut, waiting for her to walk away.  But, sometimes it was still light out (Dudes!  FIVE PM IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE BEDTIME FOR ANYBODY!  WTF?!) and I was all,  "Eff this clambake!  As soon as evil, big sister leaves the room, I AM UP AND OUTTA HERE!  MY BARBIES AWAIT!!"

On those days, Natty was on to me.  And when I would open my eyes to see if she was still there, so I could make my escape, SHE WOULD BLOW AIR INTO MY EYEBALLS WITH ALL OF HER MIGHT and yell, "Shut em'!"

So, I did....mostly because they didn't make drops for dry eye back then...Plus, teenage girls were so stupid AND who wanted to hang around with them, anyway?  *sniffle, sniffle*

Dear Self,
It's no co-inky-dink that to THIS DAY, you can NEVER sleep when the wind is really howling.  You should totally make your sister pay for your therapy....Or at the very least, call her in the middle of the night and say, "The wind is keeping me awake.  It's your fault for blowing in my eyes, Muthafugga.  *CLICK*


Recently, I was grocery shopping at the little town supermarket on an early Saturday morning.  While I was perusing the bread aisle, I noticed a woman inching closer to me.  In my head I was all, "Oh, what the f*ck?!  It's like seven o'clock in the morning and there's nobody in this whole freakin store.  Why is this queer lady standing so close to me?"

Turns out?  It was my sister, Natty.  Cheerily, she said, "Good morning!  I wasn't sure if it was you!  Your hair is different!"

"Yeah, it's me."  I said.  "What are you doing here this early?"

That's when she proceeded to tell me that she was having breakfast, with some of her friends, in the market's cafe AND she asked me to stop by when I was done with my shopping, so she could introduce me to her peeps.  About twenty minutes later, I finished my *AHEM* totally Weight Watcher's appropriate food shopping and joined Natty and her friends.

First, she introduced me to Bob.  (HI, BOB!!)

I liked Bob.  He was very nice and I could tell that had the type of sense of humor that I enjoy---dry, with a hint of sarcasm.  I could also tell that he was a tad bit weary of meeting me.  I'm not sure why, but I think it's because (A) he's read my blog, (B) he's read my blog, and (C) he's read my blog.  

The second friend that I met?  Well, um...let's just say that for the purpose of this blog post, I'm changing her name to protect the horny.  I'll call her Lucy.

So, my sister said, "Lucy, this is my sister, Sally.  Sally, this is Lucy."  And we exchanged pleasantries.   Then, Bob chimed in and said....

Bob:  So, Sally!  Lucy is dating a jouster.

Me:  A what?

Bob:  A jouster.

Me:  You mean like a medieval dude who rides a horse and stabs shit with a stick?

Bob:  Yep!

Me:  Really, Lucy?

Lucy:  Well, we're not really dating.  I sold him a car and we've talked on the phone.  But, we're actually supposed to meet each other on Sunday. 

Me:  (Acting all appropriate and shit---as if someone dating a gah-damn JOUSTER---is a normal fuggin occurrence in 2012)  Wow!  That's interesting!

Lucy:  Yep!  He's supposed to come down to see me.  I can't wait!  I've already decided to MASTURBATE before he gets here, so I won't be too excited to see him!



Me:  *COUGH, CHOKE, COUGH* I'm sorry, WHAT?!

Lucy:  Yeah.  I'm gonna have to masturbate like crazy before he gets here.  That's for sure!

Me:  (to my sister)  Um...Your friend, who I met TWO minutes ago, just told me that's she's going to fondle her lady garden.  That's not normal.

Lucy:  Yep.  I'm going to have to!  Or, I'll be WAY too excited to see him!  And then?  I'm going to ask him if he'll help me build a deck on the back of my house.

Me:  (to my sister)  Wow.  I'm kinda at a loss for words here.

Lucy:  He's coming from far away.  I hope he can find my house.  After all, this IS a small town.  It's not very easy to find.

Me:  My guess is, if he knows what you've got planned for him, (pointing to where my wiener would be if I was a dude), his jousting pole will lead the way. 

And so, my friends?

My life has come full circle.

And I'm finally allowed to hang out with my big sister and her friends.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing, y'all.

1 comment:

Trina a.k.a. Me So Hongry... said...

That shit was funny as hell!!!!! Bwahahaha :-D I can't believe she said that!!!!