I know you think that your son is all that and a bag of chips, but I need to tell you that, sometimes? His behavior is completely unacceptable.
Yesterday, after a workday from friggin hell (in which your son and I both had our asses handed to us on a platter) I decided to stop at the grocery store to buy a few healthy food items. Because we drove to work together, Sonny-Boy had to go shopping with me. Oh, the joy.
While I was perusing the produce aisles, deciding what fruits and vegetables I wanted to buy, he---who totally rebels against all things healthy---got bored and decided that he needed to go pee (Um...How old is he?).
Fine, I said. Knock yourself out. I'll be here when you get back.
A few minutes later, I left my carriage near the potatoes and walked over to the deli to buy some cheese. When I returned to the spot where I'd left my carriage, it was suddenly missing.
I walked around aimlessly for a few seconds, uttering vulgarities under my breath--while juggling bananas, cheese, and a bag of green bell peppers in my arms. Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of your son---hiding behind an end cap of dried beans---laughing his ass off with two other guys who he'd made friends with in the twenty minutes that we'd been in the supermarket. Bastard.
When I finally caught up to him, I was all, "You're such an ass." And I grabbed my carriage and proceeded down the next aisle.
Before long, he was following me around, TOTALLY trying to buy crap that I DID NOT want in the house.
And THAT is when THIS happened.....
PC: Sal! LOOK! If you buy two bags of Hershey's Kisses, you get one free!
Me: Put that back.
PC: We should buy them and bring them to work!
PC: I don't think you heard me. THESE BAGS OF HERSHEY'S KISSES ARE ON SALE. BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE.
Me: If you bring those bags of candy to our place of employment, I swear...I will stab you.
PC: That's harsh.
Me: Actually, what's harsh is that since I pay ten dollars a week to go to Weight Watchers, and you want to fill my environment with chocolate---WHICH I FUGGIN LOVE---it will probably take me THREE weeks longer to get to my goal than necessary. So technically, what you're buying there is $30.00 worth of additional asscheek that I really don't need or appreciate.
PC: Hmmm...Well...You could try...um...NOT EATING IT?
Me: Right. I could also try not bludgeoning you to death in your sleep.
PC: I think I'll put it back!
Me: Good call.
I thought our little situation had been resolved quite peacefully (in my favor, of course).
But then, I heard PC yell out, "Hey, Sal!"
Unsuspectingly, I looked up and saw that in lieu of pouting, PC decided to express his disappointment another way.
Feast your eyes on this shit, my dear mother-in-law....
Me: Oh, nice. REALLY MATURE, DUDE.
Me: I swear to God! You'd better pull your pants up RIGHT NOW! Those men stocking the shelves don't need to see your junk!
PC: Bahahahahaha! What are you gonna do about it? Tell my Mommy?
Me: As a matter fact? That's EXACTLY what I'm gonna do, CHUMP.
Suffice to say, oh Mother-In-Law-of-mine.......
You're son is a punk.