Thursday, August 2, 2012

Beatdown In Aisle Four

Dear Mother-in-Law,

I know you think that your son is all that and a bag of chips, but I need to tell you that, sometimes?  His behavior is completely unacceptable.

Yesterday, after a workday from friggin hell (in which your son and I both had our asses handed to us on a platter) I decided to stop at the grocery store to buy a few healthy food items.  Because we drove to work together,  Sonny-Boy had to go shopping with me.  Oh, the joy.

While I was perusing the produce aisles, deciding what fruits and vegetables I wanted to buy, he---who totally rebels against all things healthy---got bored and decided that he needed to go pee (Um...How old is he?). 

Fine, I said.  Knock yourself out.  I'll be here when you get back.

A few minutes later, I left my carriage near the potatoes and walked over to the deli to buy some cheese.  When I returned to the spot where I'd left my carriage, it was suddenly missing. 

I walked around aimlessly for a few seconds, uttering vulgarities under my breath--while juggling bananas, cheese, and a bag of green bell peppers in my arms.  Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of your son---hiding behind an end cap of dried beans---laughing his ass off with two other guys who he'd made friends with in the twenty minutes that we'd been in the supermarket.  Bastard.

When I finally caught up to him, I was all, "You're such an ass."  And I grabbed my carriage and proceeded down the next aisle.

Before long, he was following me around, TOTALLY trying to buy crap that I DID NOT want in the house. 

And THAT is when THIS happened.....

PC:  Sal!  LOOK!  If you buy two bags of Hershey's Kisses, you get one free!

Me:  Put that back.

PC:  We should buy them and bring them to work!



Me:  If you bring those bags of candy to our place of employment,  I swear...I will stab you.

PC:   That's harsh.

Me:  Actually, what's harsh is that since I pay ten dollars a week to go to Weight Watchers, and you want to fill my environment with chocolate---WHICH I FUGGIN LOVE---it will probably take me THREE weeks longer to get to my goal than necessary. So technically, what you're buying there is $30.00 worth of additional asscheek that I really don't need or appreciate.

PC:  Hmmm...Well...You could EATING IT?

MeRight.  I could also try not bludgeoning you to death in your sleep.

PC:   I think I'll put it back!

Me:  Good call.


I thought our little situation had been resolved quite peacefully (in my favor, of course).

But then, I heard PC yell out, "Hey, Sal!" 

Unsuspectingly, I looked up and saw that in lieu of pouting,  PC decided to express his disappointment another way. 

Feast your eyes on this shit, my dear mother-in-law....

Me:  Oh, nice.  REALLY MATURE, DUDE.

PC:  Bahahahahahahaha!

Me:  I swear to God!  You'd better pull your pants up RIGHT NOW!  Those men stocking the shelves don't need to see your junk!

PC:  Bahahahahaha!  What are you gonna do about it?  Tell my Mommy?

Me:  As a matter fact?  That's EXACTLY what I'm gonna do, CHUMP.

Suffice to say, oh Mother-In-Law-of-mine.......

You're son is a punk. 

Do something.

Moochos Smoochos,


Amanda said...

What IS it about them that they have to bring home eight cartloads of chocolate? And we're supposed to be the ones with the problem?

Anna said...

Ohmy! I'm trying not to sputter coffee all over my computer. My hubs and I sometimes ride to work together also; he pulls this crap too. Mine just hides it (I still haven't figured how or where) and then it magically appears at the checkout.