Thursday, August 2, 2012

Beatdown In Aisle Four

Dear Mother-in-Law,

I know you think that your son is all that and a bag of chips, but I need to tell you that, sometimes?  His behavior is completely unacceptable.

Yesterday, after a workday from friggin hell (in which your son and I both had our asses handed to us on a platter) I decided to stop at the grocery store to buy a few healthy food items.  Because we drove to work together,  Sonny-Boy had to go shopping with me.  Oh, the joy.

While I was perusing the produce aisles, deciding what fruits and vegetables I wanted to buy, he---who totally rebels against all things healthy---got bored and decided that he needed to go pee (Um...How old is he?). 

Fine, I said.  Knock yourself out.  I'll be here when you get back.

A few minutes later, I left my carriage near the potatoes and walked over to the deli to buy some cheese.  When I returned to the spot where I'd left my carriage, it was suddenly missing. 

I walked around aimlessly for a few seconds, uttering vulgarities under my breath--while juggling bananas, cheese, and a bag of green bell peppers in my arms.  Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of your son---hiding behind an end cap of dried beans---laughing his ass off with two other guys who he'd made friends with in the twenty minutes that we'd been in the supermarket.  Bastard.

When I finally caught up to him, I was all, "You're such an ass."  And I grabbed my carriage and proceeded down the next aisle.

Before long, he was following me around, TOTALLY trying to buy crap that I DID NOT want in the house. 

And THAT is when THIS happened.....

PC:  Sal!  LOOK!  If you buy two bags of Hershey's Kisses, you get one free!

Me:  Put that back.

PC:  We should buy them and bring them to work!

Me:  PUT.IT.BACK.

PC:  I don't think you heard me.  THESE BAGS OF HERSHEY'S KISSES ARE ON SALE.  BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE.

Me:  If you bring those bags of candy to our place of employment,  I swear...I will stab you.

PC:   That's harsh.

Me:  Actually, what's harsh is that since I pay ten dollars a week to go to Weight Watchers, and you want to fill my environment with chocolate---WHICH I FUGGIN LOVE---it will probably take me THREE weeks longer to get to my goal than necessary. So technically, what you're buying there is $30.00 worth of additional asscheek that I really don't need or appreciate.

PC:  Hmmm...Well...You could try...um...NOT EATING IT?

MeRight.  I could also try not bludgeoning you to death in your sleep.

PC:   I think I'll put it back!

Me:  Good call.

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I thought our little situation had been resolved quite peacefully (in my favor, of course).

But then, I heard PC yell out, "Hey, Sal!" 

Unsuspectingly, I looked up and saw that in lieu of pouting,  PC decided to express his disappointment another way. 

Feast your eyes on this shit, my dear mother-in-law....



Me:  Oh, nice.  REALLY MATURE, DUDE.

PC:  Bahahahahahahaha!

Me:  I swear to God!  You'd better pull your pants up RIGHT NOW!  Those men stocking the shelves don't need to see your junk!

PC:  Bahahahahaha!  What are you gonna do about it?  Tell my Mommy?

Me:  As a matter fact?  That's EXACTLY what I'm gonna do, CHUMP.


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Suffice to say, oh Mother-In-Law-of-mine.......

You're son is a punk. 

Do something.

Moochos Smoochos,
Sally