Thursday, May 9, 2013


I know how important it is to get take a much needed vacation from the daily grind, before you feel like mental exhaustion will overrule your mind (and body) and you start stabbing people, only in your head-hopefully.

That being said, when you go on vacation, the people who you are friends with at home are happy for you (at least, I know I am). 

However, those people back home?  Their lives will not stop because you are not there. They are still working, paying bills, doing chores, and juggling the stresses of everyday life. 

And to be frank?  They don't really give a crap what kind of a time you're having because they are too BUSY to care.  So, when you keep sending them texts and pictures from your vacation destination of you floating around in the ocean half nekkid (while they are sweating their balls off at 8 o'clock at night--after real work--cutting the grass at their 82 year old mother's house) or drinking tropical beverages with random, drunk people you've never met before (while they are at the doctor's office getting versed on their new heart medication)?  They just want to tell you to go bang your ankles...because like I said before, THEY'RE BUSY.

And when you continue to send queer texts (even though you've been warned), eventually, THIS is what's going to happen...

Day 1:
Douche-Canoe:  Look at us in the pool!  So beautiful here!
Me:  That's nice.  Hope you're having a good time. 

Day 2:
Douche-Canoe:  Look at this giant donut we bought!  So delicious!
Me:  Working.  Stop texting me.

Day 3:
Douche-Canoe:  Hanging out with these girls on the beach! (sends picture of scantily clad hosers)
Me:  Grocery shopping. Stop texting me. 

Day 4: 
Douche-Canoe:  Look at this view from our balcony!  Isn't it amazing?
Me:  Good for you.  At the doctor's office.  Stop texting me.

Day 5:
Douche-Canoe:  We are at the Ritz-Carlton, having breakfast.  It is beautiful here!
Me:  We ate at McDonalds.  Fuck off.

For the record, I'm not jealous.  I'm just busy, I can save my money to go on vacation, where you'll never hear a gahdamn peep from me :)

Monday, May 6, 2013

Kicking Ass & Taking Names: Portuguese Old Lady Style

Last Thursday was Sophia Petrillo's 82nd birthday (or as my husband calls her, The Mama).  In our family, Sophia is kind of like the Godfather, except she doesn't own any guns, which is a good thing because some lady--who keeps letting her dog shit on the sidewalk if front of her house--would have gotten shot in the ass by now.

In the last few months, Sophia has had some health issues (diagnosed with Epilepsy) and has been extremely verbal about how much aging sucks.  She's not taking it lightly and she's fighting it tooth and nail, y'all.  The following is a conversation that took place in her hospital room during a recent stay.  Several of my siblings were present....

Hospital Check-In LadyHello Sophia!  How are you?


Hospital Check-In LadyYou 're not old!  You look so beautiful for your age!


Hospital Check-In LadySophia, I need to ask you some questions.  Is that OK?


Hospital Check-In LadyI understand that your primary language is Portuguese. Would you like me to get you a translator?

SophiaNo.  My chi-dren gonna help me.

Hospital Check-In LadyOh. OK.  Let's see...How old are you?


Hospital Check-In LadyWow!  Eighty-one!  Good for you! You look amazing!


Hospital Check-In LadyWhere do you live?

Sophia:  *accurately gives address*

Hospital Check-In LadyDo you live alone?

SophiaYes, but my son live in apartamente upstayas from me.

Hospital Check-In LadyAre you abused at home?

Sophia:  *looks around the room, puzzled*

Hospital Check-In LadySophia, ARE YOU AFRAID AT HOME?  Does anybody abuse you or hit you at home?

Sophia:  *looking at my brother*  HUH?

My Brother:  *speaking Portuguese*  Ma, the lady wants to know if you are afraid of us.  Do we abuse you or hit you?

Sophia:  *a look of disbelief across her face*  MY CHIDREN NO HIT ME.  I KILL DEM FIRST.

My SisterShe's not kidding.

Hospital Check-In LadyWell alrighty, then.