Thursday, May 9, 2013


I know how important it is to get take a much needed vacation from the daily grind, before you feel like mental exhaustion will overrule your mind (and body) and you start stabbing people, only in your head-hopefully.

That being said, when you go on vacation, the people who you are friends with at home are happy for you (at least, I know I am). 

However, those people back home?  Their lives will not stop because you are not there. They are still working, paying bills, doing chores, and juggling the stresses of everyday life. 

And to be frank?  They don't really give a crap what kind of a time you're having because they are too BUSY to care.  So, when you keep sending them texts and pictures from your vacation destination of you floating around in the ocean half nekkid (while they are sweating their balls off at 8 o'clock at night--after real work--cutting the grass at their 82 year old mother's house) or drinking tropical beverages with random, drunk people you've never met before (while they are at the doctor's office getting versed on their new heart medication)?  They just want to tell you to go bang your ankles...because like I said before, THEY'RE BUSY.

And when you continue to send queer texts (even though you've been warned), eventually, THIS is what's going to happen...

Day 1:
Douche-Canoe:  Look at us in the pool!  So beautiful here!
Me:  That's nice.  Hope you're having a good time. 

Day 2:
Douche-Canoe:  Look at this giant donut we bought!  So delicious!
Me:  Working.  Stop texting me.

Day 3:
Douche-Canoe:  Hanging out with these girls on the beach! (sends picture of scantily clad hosers)
Me:  Grocery shopping. Stop texting me. 

Day 4: 
Douche-Canoe:  Look at this view from our balcony!  Isn't it amazing?
Me:  Good for you.  At the doctor's office.  Stop texting me.

Day 5:
Douche-Canoe:  We are at the Ritz-Carlton, having breakfast.  It is beautiful here!
Me:  We ate at McDonalds.  Fuck off.

For the record, I'm not jealous.  I'm just busy, I can save my money to go on vacation, where you'll never hear a gahdamn peep from me :)


Kimberley said...

Is it Lou? Is it Lou?

Christine said...


The Path Traveled said...

This is so funny and so very true of what others really are thinking when were away having fun...