Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Gifts That Suck: The Birthday Edition

A week and a half ago, I celebrated my forty-fourth birthday.

Ugh.  Where the hell has the friggin time gone?

I swear, it seems like just yesterday, I was whining over turning forty and grumbling about my sisters posting my picture on the obituary page of the local paper (bitches).

Crooked bangs courtesy of my sister, Natty, and her madshitty hairdressing skills.

Anyway, because I received such an overabundance of f*cking lame unique gifts, I thought I would share my wares with you, my imaginary internet friends.  Read em', weep, and control your jealousy, people.

Gift #1---Redneck Book Bag (I mean, really?)

Okay.  I'll say one thing.  My name is Sally Costa and I am a book addict. Seriously, there are books in EVERY.SINGLE.ROOM. of my house.  I love, love, love, them.  That being said, I wouldn't carry anything is this queer book bag, let alone my beloved livros, because (A) I have standards...and (B) I have teeth.

Gift #2---Doobage Cookies (for real)
Now, some of you questionable people (READ: Dead Heads) might be saying, "Hey, duuuuuude.  Those cookies are bossssss."  (Um...Is that what the cool kids are saying these days?  I wouldn't know because I am a dork.)

To you I say, thisgirl's not interested in pot cookies because (A) I'm already high on life and (B) Coconut is effin disgusting (One of the only foods that I will not eat). Blech....

BUT NO WORRIES, OFFICER.  Rest assured that I have properly disposed of said assumingly illegal cookies in an appropriate manner.  ALSO, as the president of the company that I co-own with Hubby, I've made an executive decision to temporarily SUSPEND all random drug testing.  *ahem*

Gift #3---Every gal wants a pretty journal, no?

Um. NO.

Frieda Kahlo's been shanked, y'all...by a shit ton of nails.

I understand that in her paintings, she often depicted herself in these kinds of morbid situations (being stabbed, having her heart ripped out, etc...).

I'm no expert in art interpretation, but if I had to guess, I'd say that Frieda probably could have benefited from some Coconut Ganja Cookies (and extensive laser hair removal). Geesh....

To conclude this post, I'd like to point out that because I feel like I've grown so much--emotionally--since turning forty-four, I've decided that I'm not going to out the jackass "friend" who gave me these f*cking tasteless gifts.

As a matter of fact, I think the best course of action is to not be wasteful, utilize what I can, and give away the rest. 

On that note, THIS is the first entry in my Frieda Kahlo journal: 

 Feel free to form your own hypothesis.


Three Hundred Sixty Five said...

How wonderful to have friends that think carefully before spending their hard earned money on your birthday, Sally. ~If you don't want those cookies, I'd be happy to help you out, lol.

Kimberley said...

I am still reeling in awe from the fantastic picture you posted for me. Lou has to be the kindest, most thoughtful and misunderstood man there is. I love Lou!!!