Thursday, April 25, 2013

Let's Talk About Sex---Salt-n-Pepa, 1991

The following is a recent conversation that I had with Lou (El Pain-o in My Ass-o) at dinner.  I CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP, Y'ALL.

The Setting:  A Sushi Restaurant
The Cast:  Lou, his wife--Linda, Hubby, and Moi
The Scene:  Discussing Lou and Linda's recent vacation to Florida

Me:  So, you had a nice time in Florida?

Lou:  Yeah.  We had a really nice time.  The weather was beautiful.

Me:  That's nice.

Lou:  You know what we learned down there?

Me: What?

Lou:  Apparently, there's been a very high incidence of STD'S going around in senior communities.

Me:  Huh?

Lou:  Yep. I guess with the introduction of pills like Cialis and Viagra, there's been an increase in the spread of sexually transmitted diseases down there.  As a matter of fact, I heard that there's been a 60% increase, in the last year alone, of older people contracting SHAMALIA (Shuh-mahl-yuh).  Unbelievable!

Me:  I'm sorry, but WHAT ARE THE OLD GEEZERS CONTRACTING?!

Lou:  SHAMALIA!

Me:  WHAT THE F*CK IS SHAMALIA?

Lou:  Duh! It's a sexually transmitted disease, dummy!

Me:  No it isn't, jackhole!  Anybody else at this table EVER heard of Shamalia?

Hubby:  Nope.

Linda:  *blank stare*

Me:  Hmmm...Nobody, else has ever heard of it.  Do you know why?  HELLO? ANYBODY?

Hubby:  *blank stare*

Linda:  *blank stare*

Lou:  *big, fat, blank stare*

Me:  Maybe because it's called CHLAMYDIA.  Not, SHAMALIA, you bonehead.

Lou:  Really?

Me:  YES. Really.

Lou:  Hey!  Don't blame me! I went to a vocational high school!  BEFORE THIS, I'd only heard of V.D. and CRABS!  You went to the same school, Paul.  Tell her!

Paul:  I'm not getting involved.

Me:  Smart move, Homey.


Epilogue:  The newest chapter in my life: Teaching Sex Ed to old perverts. Awesome.