Friday, January 2, 2015

I'm back! And this time? I'm not alone. Yo.

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Last year, I decided to take a blogging hiatus when I found out that I was unexpectedly pregnant. I needed to sort things out in my head a bit and felt like I wanted to do so privately (READ:  MELTDOWN). If you know me at all, or even if you don't, I was the chick who never really made having children a priority. I always sort of had it in the back of my mind, often pondering my child-free status as the years rolled by, but I never truly pined for children. The conversations I had with myself were more like, "I'm almost forty. My biological clock must broken. Hmmm...I wonder if I'll ever regret not having a kid?" 

Looking back, I think my reluctance to commit to having a baby stemmed from a few things.

First, my husband and I were (are) happy. We weren't THAT couple who felt like we needed children to feel complete. We know people who've had children thinking that THAT would fix whatever was missing in their relationship (They're divorced now). Not us. We never felt like our lives were fractional and we really enjoyed our time alone and being a family of two. Wouldn't having a child just screw up our zen life?

Even so, out of a sense of obligation, I remember reluctantly asking my husband--right after I turned forty--if he wanted to have a child. I think the conversation went something like, "Look, dude. I'm forty and we need to make a decision here. If you want to be a Dad, I don't want to deprive you of the experience." He looked at me and responded, "If you're good, I'm good." WHEW, I guiltily thought. I totally just dodged a big ass bullet right there.

Second, I am a woman who constantly craves independence and alone time. As a matter of fact, I'm going to go one step further and admit something to you all. Most of the time, I am downright antisocial. Since I was a kid, I have always enjoyed being alone more than being with people. How the heck could that characteristic ever translate to my being a decent parent? I wasn't at all interested in finding out. Trust me.

Finally, and this is going to sound really odd and immature y'all, but it is what it is….

I am not a fan of pain. 

I know, I know. Who is, right? 

Um. I'm being a bit more extreme here, folks. 

You're probably unaware of this little factoid, my friends. But, I am probably one of the only women you know who doesn't even have her ears pierced (and I NEVER will). Tattoos? Piercings? No, friggin way. I'm way, way too wussy for that. So, the thought of pushing a human out of my vagina or having one cut out of my gut? Yeah, if I even tried to give that shit some extensive thought, the anxiety alone threatened to kill me.

So, you can imagine my conundrum, when at the ripe old age of 44, after totally ruling it out and intricately planning out my child-free future and early retirement (Hahaha…yeah, right!)---I found out that I was pregnant. 

I was shocked, worried, scared, nervous, and extremely anxious. 

I was also convinced, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I was living proof that Jesus had a sense of humor.

Well played, Jesus. Well played.

***(Stay tuned for Episode 2)***


Sharon said...

We're planning and God's laughing.

Kimberley said...

Ummm…I didn't see anything about Lou in this post. What is up with that? LOL!

Sheri Z said...

Well, congratulations. Same thing just happened to my co-worker. She's due in June and still recovering from the shock of it all. You'll be great!

Jennie said...

Are you serious??!!! Or is this a New Year's Fools joke? Well, whatever it is, I'm glad you're back! I've been missing you and Lou :)

Catherine55 said...

Wow!! That is exciting! I'm going through the same debate right now (to have kids or not), and it's so nice to hear that natural conception at 44 (my same age) is a possibility. Looking forward to hearing more -- nice to see you posting!

It' said...

I wondered what had happened to you....mystery solved. Congratulations! Let the games begin (altho they don't really start until about......age 12)! Can't wait to read about your parental adventures!

Elizabeth Behan said...

you should write a column in a magazine, or someone should pay you to blog. you got da gift. ; )